Life is... Faling Apart...

I believe that every girl has their doubts on their life. What outfit they decide to buy, what to go with their friends for Christmas, and who they want to be with. Now, the thing is, I don't have my doubts, for the most part. I have my wants. And my wants are crushing my soul. Why is it that I can't hold onto the decent guy? But maybe they were never decent to begin with, and that's why they are gone. But just everywhere I turn and think "I can see myself with him" it goes way into my heart and stabs it and crushes my dreams and starts all over again.

Now, any guy that I don't care for, at all, is a total creep, and then is really weird or just a dick completely.

What I want is to find a good man that I truly care for, while I am still in college. But as my time is running out, I do not believe that is going to happen... I am afraid that I won’t even find my soulmate. At the same time, my school isn't known for their relationships, and I have come to terms with that. It's just, I still am a girl, and have hopes and sees everyone else finding their soulmate, and grabbing onto a man. And here I am: making the same mistakes, and getting nowhere.

But who else can I blame, but myself.

Now, I'm going to end this pity story now before I keep going. I don't want to say anymore tonight, because I already know that my blogs give out too much information.

So, I must say, have a good night. And Merry Christmas!

Weird Moods

I am having one of those days that I’m in a weird mood… And I feel like all I want to do is cry… But I don’t know why… I know why this mood started, because last night I was with Scott, and we just ended up just being a bad night… Maybe I had too high of expectations? I’m not sure, and I don’t know how I feel right now.. I don’t know if this is just sadness or If it’s just confusion.. I thought that I really liked Scott, but now I don’t know. But at the same time I don’t want to think “I don’t like Scott anymore” I didn’t see this happening… Just last night sucked ass. And I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to get out of this awful feeling mood. I want to be back to myself. And I’m even in this mood if I’m not thinking about what happened last night, and I just don’t know what to do. I thought writing about it would help. I haven’t written in my blog in such a long time.. Normally it helps me think.. Matt is fucking texting me telling me to come over, but my stomach is in knots and I don’t feel like even having interactions with people.

I think I’m tired of these games.. I don’t want to cry anymore I don’t want to be alone. I just want someone secure. I don’t want to just have sex to have sex. I want something meaningful. And I haven’t had that since Kevin. And I hate that. I hate that I haven’t been completely happy after I broke up with Kevin. I hate it. I don’t even think that I know how to have a relationship again. And sure, I’m supposed to “wait for the right one to come along” and “it will happen” but every time I feel like “it will happen” I’m just wrong. I hate it. I don’t even think anymore that I messed things up with Kevin, because Kevin hates who I have become. And I have become the same person I was. I’m sick of it. I’m tired of this crap. 

Worst Day Ever

I don't even know how to write this... I don't know how I feel...
My roommate, Ashli just texted me, telling me that she's not coming back to UT...
She apologized thinking I'd be upset with her... And I'm not. I could never be upset with Ashli... I'm very sad... I can't help but to cry... What am I going to do without her?? This is insane!! I don't know how this year is going to be, I have honestly been thinking about it a lot, and how great it was going to be, and now... Not so much... I don't know.. I'm just horrified at this thought of being alone or with someone I'll hate... I don't know what to think, what to do...
I just don't know.

Alone

I feel alone...
I shouldn't, but last year at this time, I was graduating high school, and Kevin was back from college...
Now I have no one.
I am not sure if I ever mentioned Rory on this blog or not, but Rory is a (white) Jamaican Junior, now Senior, from my university. I had a class with him my first semester, and the biggest crush on him. Of course that was virgin Josee, so I wasn't that sure how to 'make a move', or even feel like I would be comfortable trying to have sex with him as a virgin, and I really didn't think he would want a virgin, but things got out of control, I lost my chance with him, and started dating Dan.
About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I saw Rory in the Cafe, and thank god I looked amazing that day, but I did, and I mean I smiled at him, but didn't like talk to him or anything, because he was with people, and I am kind of shy. About two or three days later, I found him on Tinder, and we got matched! I was just so excited, but he didn't message me... I deleted tinder, because I think it's the creepiest app in the world, but about a week ago I re-downloaded it, and saw that I had a message from Rory! Which was sent two days before I downloaded the app again. I was so excited, and messaged him back, because all he said was "Josee I found you on Tinder!!" And it was cute, so I messaged him back, and two days later he messaged me back, and we started talking like yesterday, and today he asked me what my plans were for the summer. And long story short, we have plans to meet up tomorrow... However, he was like "Tomorrow is so far away..." and then he asked for a "preview", which I really don't feel comfortable with doing, so of course, we dragged it out to a point where I finally told him no, and he hasn't texted me back, which is fine. It's whatever. I still bet that we hang out tomorrow.
But Danny posted these things on snap... And one was like with two girls in bikinis and having a pillow fight with them, and of course I'm jealous! But at the same time, I need to just stay calm. Because I mean, I am about ot go hang out with Rory tomorrow, so I shouldn't expect him to not do anything with girls, but at the same time, I don't think that I will be spending all that much time with guys this summer, I honestly won't have time. And Rory leaves Tuesday. :/ I'm actually kind of proud of myself for going to actually meet with him and not finding excuses not to go.
And I want to just snap Mark and say "Hey!" but I did just talk to him yesterday... Maybe I'll snap him tomorrow right before work with a neutral "First day back at work!!" And I'm going to be looking very cute tomorrow, well at least my face will be, because there is no way of making my work uniform cute.
I am just scared that I am going to go crazy this summer... I just want to cry right now, and I don't know why. I can't say it's because of my period, because that's not for another two weeks. I'm just freaking out for no reason.
But I do feel a tiny bit better after typing this all out... I honestly don't know if anyone could even remotely try to understand what I'm going through, because I just feel like this isn't a normal thing.
I'm not sure, but I guess we will see how this summer takes me.

Back Home

It's true... I'm back home.. And I'm not thrilled about it. However,after last night and my pity party that i threw myself on here, Matt texting me asking if I was doing anything for the night, and I told him that I was going to drink with some friends, and he never responded. Which is whateves. BUT 4 minutes after Matt texted me, Danny texted me!!! :) I was so excited!
Later in the night, he texted me and told me to meet him in Brevard courtyard. And I said give me a minute, because I was with friends. So, I walked my friend, Michael back to the side of Vaughn, and saw Danny outside, and he texted saying he was outside, and I said same. I walked past the courtyard to help my friend to the side of the building and then came back and he wasn't there... And so I texted him "Or not...?" and he was like "You just walked past me." and then I asked if I should leave, and he said he was coming back. So, we talked for like 10 minutes maybe 20. Then he started talking about this annoying friend of his (his words not mine) who is texting him and asked him where he was, and when he told her, she was like "I'm getting food and will meet you." And so, I think he did this on purpose, but when she was first just walking past we were making out. And she saw us, and he was like shocked that it would happen in front of her so whatever. Then she went and got food and came back. At first, she was all resistant to sitting down, because she wouldn't get up, or whatever. Then she sat down, talked to him for like fucking forever, then left. Then Danny and I started talking,and maybe like 15 minutes later he was saying everything he has to worry about, and I told him if he needed to we could go, and he was like "Are you sure?" and of course I said yes, and he was like "... Yeah... I should probably start studying some more." And he kissed me, and said that he will see me next semester and that was it. Then I walked back to Austin, and Henry was there and I talked with him for a bit, saying everything that happened, and I was kind of upset that he did leave, and Henry said boys are stupid, and don't think. So, I hope Danny texts me next semester. And tomorrow, well in like half an hour, is his birthday! So, I'm going to send him a snap saying birthday, or should I just text? I'll text. So, that's what's up with Danny.
Matt texted me again like an hour again, asking if I had left campus already, and of course I said yes. And he was like ":( ok" and I replied with "Sorry, Maybe next semester?" and then he was like "Yeah maybe" and I was like ok, I just gave u a pity throw on that, I'm so happy that I don't like this kid, because that probably would have hurt if it came from Danny or someone. Then I was like "kk have a good summer" and he said "yeah you too." then sent me a text 15 minutes later saying "I'm honestly so horny right now and wish you were here" and I said "sorry cant help you :/" But I am kinda sad that we didn't screw last night, or any night other than Monday, I'm going to have a huge dry spell and it's going to suck..
Then time for Mark. Mark texted me today asking if he could come by, to say bye, and he did but Ashli was in there so it was really awkward. But what makes no sense is that he didn't have a roommate this afternoon, so I don't know why he wouldn't ask me to go other there, even if it was for a goodbye and not a hookup. And when he was leaving my room, he hugged me, really tight.. And long. And I didn't think he would kiss me, but then he turned around again and kissed me, and it was sweet, awkward cause Ashli was right there. But really sweet... And I know that I don't really have a crush or like Mark the way I like Danny, he's kind of just there, and I think I'm just kind of just there for him too. Nice to hold on to... But I really enjoy our time together. I really do, but I did think that we were going to have sex by now. Which is fine, but I don't think he will loose it to me :/ And I wish he would... Is that wrong?

I hope that this summer flies by, because I just want to see all of my friends again. I already miss them. But I need this break, I need to work for a bit, and be with my home friends. I miss college already though. I don't know what I'm going to do :/ I can't believe summer is here!!!

Desperate

That's how I feel right now: desperate.
I am so bored, and I just want to be doing something, anything! We are planning on drinking tonight, but that not for another few hours. It's our last night here, and all I want is to make a huge desperate move. I can't even say it out loud! But I'm wondering how desperate can I get? I mean, I texted Danny last, and sure he waves and says hi when he sees me, but that doesn't mean anything... I thought that he actually liked me, why would I ever think that? I want to send him a seductive message through snap, but I feel like that's desperate. So, that leads me to texting Matt, because we have fucked a couple of times now, but the thing is about him, was that I was kind of expecting him to text me these past couple nights, and he didn't. And he shouldn't have a problem with fucking me, because I don't like him, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't think I'm attached to him. But who knows anymore. I don't want to up my number anymore this semester so that put finding someone else out of the case. I am just wondering if I should text Matt tonight, because I have nothing to loose, and I don't think I'm going to be having sex for the next couple months when I'm at home, and so, I don't know when the next time I will have an opportunity, and I just want to fuck someone is that so difficult?
Then I want to hang out with Mark today, but he hasn't seen my snap yet, because he's working. And where he is working, I kind of looked to see what event is going on, which it says that the even door open at 6, so that means that the even doesn't even start at 6!! And it's only 5:59 right now!!!
:(
I'm so desperate to do something. And sure I may sound like a total loser right now, but I don't care. It's my last night in college, for the summer break at least, and I want to not be bored! Is that so hard to ask for?

Changes

This is my last few days in this college freshman year...
I have been thinking way too much about everything that passes through my life. And have been thinking about it way too much. What I just started to think about today is how much I have changed in this past year. College has changed me so much. And it's a good thing. Last year, I barely wore any make up anymore, because I didn't give a shit what I looked like, because I was with Kevin. And honestly, I think that I lost myself when I was Kevin, or didn't even know who I was yet. This first year let me explore so much that I have probably have been too scared to do. Now I wear make-up and so my hair everyday, and that might be because there are no days that I in my room all day long, even if I have nothing to do, I still have to leave the room to go and eat, and will see people who I want to look attractive for.
I now wear clothes that I thought I could never wear, because of this awesome no dress code thing. I am a lot tanner than I used to be. And honestly, I have more confidence than I ever thought I could hold. And maybe loosing my virginity did that for me, this college year took all my virginity that I have only ever held: my innocence. My innocence is now gone, and that old Josee is too. I like this new person that I have became.
I can't wait to start summer and my job again, but I can't wait for next semester even more than anything else. Being able to do everything and re-experience everything. And also I think with this experience under my belt, this summer will be a lot better than any other summer I have ever done. I will be home, yes, but I will go out so much more this summer than I have ever before coming to college I will be asking people to go places, not just hiding in the corner, scared about getting up in the morning; or whatever that is on my mind. I won't have Kevin holding me back, and I will be able to do anything that I want.
And I can't wait.