Weird Moods

I am having one of those days that I’m in a weird mood… And I feel like all I want to do is cry… But I don’t know why… I know why this mood started, because last night I was with Scott, and we just ended up just being a bad night… Maybe I had too high of expectations? I’m not sure, and I don’t know how I feel right now.. I don’t know if this is just sadness or If it’s just confusion.. I thought that I really liked Scott, but now I don’t know. But at the same time I don’t want to think “I don’t like Scott anymore” I didn’t see this happening… Just last night sucked ass. And I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to get out of this awful feeling mood. I want to be back to myself. And I’m even in this mood if I’m not thinking about what happened last night, and I just don’t know what to do. I thought writing about it would help. I haven’t written in my blog in such a long time.. Normally it helps me think.. Matt is fucking texting me telling me to come over, but my stomach is in knots and I don’t feel like even having interactions with people.

I think I’m tired of these games.. I don’t want to cry anymore I don’t want to be alone. I just want someone secure. I don’t want to just have sex to have sex. I want something meaningful. And I haven’t had that since Kevin. And I hate that. I hate that I haven’t been completely happy after I broke up with Kevin. I hate it. I don’t even think that I know how to have a relationship again. And sure, I’m supposed to “wait for the right one to come along” and “it will happen” but every time I feel like “it will happen” I’m just wrong. I hate it. I don’t even think anymore that I messed things up with Kevin, because Kevin hates who I have become. And I have become the same person I was. I’m sick of it. I’m tired of this crap. 

Worst Day Ever

I don't even know how to write this... I don't know how I feel...
My roommate, Ashli just texted me, telling me that she's not coming back to UT...
She apologized thinking I'd be upset with her... And I'm not. I could never be upset with Ashli... I'm very sad... I can't help but to cry... What am I going to do without her?? This is insane!! I don't know how this year is going to be, I have honestly been thinking about it a lot, and how great it was going to be, and now... Not so much... I don't know.. I'm just horrified at this thought of being alone or with someone I'll hate... I don't know what to think, what to do...
I just don't know.

Alone

I feel alone...
I shouldn't, but last year at this time, I was graduating high school, and Kevin was back from college...
Now I have no one.
I am not sure if I ever mentioned Rory on this blog or not, but Rory is a (white) Jamaican Junior, now Senior, from my university. I had a class with him my first semester, and the biggest crush on him. Of course that was virgin Josee, so I wasn't that sure how to 'make a move', or even feel like I would be comfortable trying to have sex with him as a virgin, and I really didn't think he would want a virgin, but things got out of control, I lost my chance with him, and started dating Dan.
About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I saw Rory in the Cafe, and thank god I looked amazing that day, but I did, and I mean I smiled at him, but didn't like talk to him or anything, because he was with people, and I am kind of shy. About two or three days later, I found him on Tinder, and we got matched! I was just so excited, but he didn't message me... I deleted tinder, because I think it's the creepiest app in the world, but about a week ago I re-downloaded it, and saw that I had a message from Rory! Which was sent two days before I downloaded the app again. I was so excited, and messaged him back, because all he said was "Josee I found you on Tinder!!" And it was cute, so I messaged him back, and two days later he messaged me back, and we started talking like yesterday, and today he asked me what my plans were for the summer. And long story short, we have plans to meet up tomorrow... However, he was like "Tomorrow is so far away..." and then he asked for a "preview", which I really don't feel comfortable with doing, so of course, we dragged it out to a point where I finally told him no, and he hasn't texted me back, which is fine. It's whatever. I still bet that we hang out tomorrow.
But Danny posted these things on snap... And one was like with two girls in bikinis and having a pillow fight with them, and of course I'm jealous! But at the same time, I need to just stay calm. Because I mean, I am about ot go hang out with Rory tomorrow, so I shouldn't expect him to not do anything with girls, but at the same time, I don't think that I will be spending all that much time with guys this summer, I honestly won't have time. And Rory leaves Tuesday. :/ I'm actually kind of proud of myself for going to actually meet with him and not finding excuses not to go.
And I want to just snap Mark and say "Hey!" but I did just talk to him yesterday... Maybe I'll snap him tomorrow right before work with a neutral "First day back at work!!" And I'm going to be looking very cute tomorrow, well at least my face will be, because there is no way of making my work uniform cute.
I am just scared that I am going to go crazy this summer... I just want to cry right now, and I don't know why. I can't say it's because of my period, because that's not for another two weeks. I'm just freaking out for no reason.
But I do feel a tiny bit better after typing this all out... I honestly don't know if anyone could even remotely try to understand what I'm going through, because I just feel like this isn't a normal thing.
I'm not sure, but I guess we will see how this summer takes me.

Back Home

It's true... I'm back home.. And I'm not thrilled about it. However,after last night and my pity party that i threw myself on here, Matt texting me asking if I was doing anything for the night, and I told him that I was going to drink with some friends, and he never responded. Which is whateves. BUT 4 minutes after Matt texted me, Danny texted me!!! :) I was so excited!
Later in the night, he texted me and told me to meet him in Brevard courtyard. And I said give me a minute, because I was with friends. So, I walked my friend, Michael back to the side of Vaughn, and saw Danny outside, and he texted saying he was outside, and I said same. I walked past the courtyard to help my friend to the side of the building and then came back and he wasn't there... And so I texted him "Or not...?" and he was like "You just walked past me." and then I asked if I should leave, and he said he was coming back. So, we talked for like 10 minutes maybe 20. Then he started talking about this annoying friend of his (his words not mine) who is texting him and asked him where he was, and when he told her, she was like "I'm getting food and will meet you." And so, I think he did this on purpose, but when she was first just walking past we were making out. And she saw us, and he was like shocked that it would happen in front of her so whatever. Then she went and got food and came back. At first, she was all resistant to sitting down, because she wouldn't get up, or whatever. Then she sat down, talked to him for like fucking forever, then left. Then Danny and I started talking,and maybe like 15 minutes later he was saying everything he has to worry about, and I told him if he needed to we could go, and he was like "Are you sure?" and of course I said yes, and he was like "... Yeah... I should probably start studying some more." And he kissed me, and said that he will see me next semester and that was it. Then I walked back to Austin, and Henry was there and I talked with him for a bit, saying everything that happened, and I was kind of upset that he did leave, and Henry said boys are stupid, and don't think. So, I hope Danny texts me next semester. And tomorrow, well in like half an hour, is his birthday! So, I'm going to send him a snap saying birthday, or should I just text? I'll text. So, that's what's up with Danny.
Matt texted me again like an hour again, asking if I had left campus already, and of course I said yes. And he was like ":( ok" and I replied with "Sorry, Maybe next semester?" and then he was like "Yeah maybe" and I was like ok, I just gave u a pity throw on that, I'm so happy that I don't like this kid, because that probably would have hurt if it came from Danny or someone. Then I was like "kk have a good summer" and he said "yeah you too." then sent me a text 15 minutes later saying "I'm honestly so horny right now and wish you were here" and I said "sorry cant help you :/" But I am kinda sad that we didn't screw last night, or any night other than Monday, I'm going to have a huge dry spell and it's going to suck..
Then time for Mark. Mark texted me today asking if he could come by, to say bye, and he did but Ashli was in there so it was really awkward. But what makes no sense is that he didn't have a roommate this afternoon, so I don't know why he wouldn't ask me to go other there, even if it was for a goodbye and not a hookup. And when he was leaving my room, he hugged me, really tight.. And long. And I didn't think he would kiss me, but then he turned around again and kissed me, and it was sweet, awkward cause Ashli was right there. But really sweet... And I know that I don't really have a crush or like Mark the way I like Danny, he's kind of just there, and I think I'm just kind of just there for him too. Nice to hold on to... But I really enjoy our time together. I really do, but I did think that we were going to have sex by now. Which is fine, but I don't think he will loose it to me :/ And I wish he would... Is that wrong?

I hope that this summer flies by, because I just want to see all of my friends again. I already miss them. But I need this break, I need to work for a bit, and be with my home friends. I miss college already though. I don't know what I'm going to do :/ I can't believe summer is here!!!

Desperate

That's how I feel right now: desperate.
I am so bored, and I just want to be doing something, anything! We are planning on drinking tonight, but that not for another few hours. It's our last night here, and all I want is to make a huge desperate move. I can't even say it out loud! But I'm wondering how desperate can I get? I mean, I texted Danny last, and sure he waves and says hi when he sees me, but that doesn't mean anything... I thought that he actually liked me, why would I ever think that? I want to send him a seductive message through snap, but I feel like that's desperate. So, that leads me to texting Matt, because we have fucked a couple of times now, but the thing is about him, was that I was kind of expecting him to text me these past couple nights, and he didn't. And he shouldn't have a problem with fucking me, because I don't like him, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't think I'm attached to him. But who knows anymore. I don't want to up my number anymore this semester so that put finding someone else out of the case. I am just wondering if I should text Matt tonight, because I have nothing to loose, and I don't think I'm going to be having sex for the next couple months when I'm at home, and so, I don't know when the next time I will have an opportunity, and I just want to fuck someone is that so difficult?
Then I want to hang out with Mark today, but he hasn't seen my snap yet, because he's working. And where he is working, I kind of looked to see what event is going on, which it says that the even door open at 6, so that means that the even doesn't even start at 6!! And it's only 5:59 right now!!!
:(
I'm so desperate to do something. And sure I may sound like a total loser right now, but I don't care. It's my last night in college, for the summer break at least, and I want to not be bored! Is that so hard to ask for?

Changes

This is my last few days in this college freshman year...
I have been thinking way too much about everything that passes through my life. And have been thinking about it way too much. What I just started to think about today is how much I have changed in this past year. College has changed me so much. And it's a good thing. Last year, I barely wore any make up anymore, because I didn't give a shit what I looked like, because I was with Kevin. And honestly, I think that I lost myself when I was Kevin, or didn't even know who I was yet. This first year let me explore so much that I have probably have been too scared to do. Now I wear make-up and so my hair everyday, and that might be because there are no days that I in my room all day long, even if I have nothing to do, I still have to leave the room to go and eat, and will see people who I want to look attractive for.
I now wear clothes that I thought I could never wear, because of this awesome no dress code thing. I am a lot tanner than I used to be. And honestly, I have more confidence than I ever thought I could hold. And maybe loosing my virginity did that for me, this college year took all my virginity that I have only ever held: my innocence. My innocence is now gone, and that old Josee is too. I like this new person that I have became.
I can't wait to start summer and my job again, but I can't wait for next semester even more than anything else. Being able to do everything and re-experience everything. And also I think with this experience under my belt, this summer will be a lot better than any other summer I have ever done. I will be home, yes, but I will go out so much more this summer than I have ever before coming to college I will be asking people to go places, not just hiding in the corner, scared about getting up in the morning; or whatever that is on my mind. I won't have Kevin holding me back, and I will be able to do anything that I want.
And I can't wait.

Best Weekend

I guess this will be about the past few weeks… I’m not really sure where I left off on my college journey with you. However, I know that my last few week are upon my freshmen year… I don’t know how I am going to be once I graduate, I don’t want to ever leave college, and it is just too much fun.

Erik and I are no longer talking to each other… There was one day we were texting, and he just stopped in the middle of the conversation, then the next day I texted him, and he never responded. I took the hint right then that we were done… I didn’t understand why… Until this weekend. Lindsay has been hanging out with them. He said he stopped talking to me, because he thought I was having feeling for him, which I was, and he doesn’t do relationships.. However, when did I ever bring up relationships with him? If anything I told him that I told they were overrated, just as he thought. But it was right for that to happen. I mean, it’s not like I could get be with him, not only because of that, but he smokes too, I can’t be with someone who smokes.

So, this weekend, Ashli’s best friend from Maine is here, and so we made sure to have the best weekend ever, and it was, and next weekend will be too, because it’s the last weekend here.. But Friday we went to 912, and actually Mark went too… And I was so worried about that. I thought that I would just end up dancing with him; that’s not what I want. I want to be able to go out, and meet new people. And Lindsay was making out with a guy, and his friend came over and talked to me then. And honestly at first we were just talking, then he asked if he could take me out on a date, which was sweet in my opinion. And I gave him my number, then he asked if he could kiss me. And I think he was a little surprised when I said yes, but then we started to make out, and he left to do something, and came back, and he was starting to kiss me again. Let me repeat this, to make sure you understand, we are not dancing, we are standing there kissing each other. So, I asked him if he would like to dance, and he said yes, and in the middle of our swaying, (and swaying, is actually really nice in my opinion, kind of reminds me of Kevin and I at prom…) we were talking and it came up, because a weird song came on that we didn’t know how to dance to it, that we couldn’t dance, and then gas petal came on, and we were just kind of slow dancing to Gas Petal. And it was cute, honestly, he was really sweet, and I really like his personality. In my opinion, he’s attractive, so he’s two for two right now. And he asked me if I wanted to go back, and I told him that I had to stick with my friends, and he was like “Oh, me too.” It was cute. But he asked me earlier if I wanted to go back with him, and I said no, but he stayed with me that whole night. And I mean, Ashli and Jenna told me the next morning that they thought the entire time I was making out with him, but that’s not true, because we talked a lot. Honestly, I loved the way we talked with each other. And I trued ti stay cute, and he said I was different than other girls. And was like I wasn’t annoying, and I asked him how a girl could be annoying if you are basically just dancing, barely talking and making out. And he said that they start complaining that they are tired, so I kind of leaned on him and was like “I’m tired” and of course laughing while doing it, and he laughed too. And then later he was like “that’s weird” and I asked what was wrong, and he said that there was this guy who was looking at him weird, and I was like “If you want to, it’s okay if you go and dance with him, it doesn’t bother me.” And He like grabbed onto me and he was like “No I’m good.” And that’s when he called me funny. Which is good.

When he left, I went back to my group of friends and Lindsay was like “Oh is he finally done?” And we all started to laugh, but I liked him. And Ashli was like “Mark came over and asked where you were, and we just told him, behind you, and you were in the middle of making out with him.” And I mean, at some points, we were interrupted and started talking to people, like Sarah and Mark at one point, but we weren’t making out then. Is it bad that I’m happy that Mark saw me with him? I mean after Danny, oh… That’s his name, by the way, Danny. After Danny left, Mark was being grinded on by Holly and Sarah, and even though I know they would probably never try anything on him, it’s still someone. So, yea.. We didn’t talk much while we were there. But we finally left around 2:30 I guess, and went back home. Lindsay was getting annoyed with me I know, but that’s because I was worried as fuck, because we were with Mark and Sarah and them, and Lindsay wanted to go a different way, and we did, and I like freaked out because I’m scare in Tampa! Lindsay doesn’t know, because she hasn’t lived near Tampa for the past 17 years, but there are so many murders that happen in Tampa. And I’m scared that will happen to me! And at least if we are in a big group (Not just four girls) we are safer. And so she was just like “Why are you freaking out??” And I just wanted to slap her, because she pisses me off so easily sometimes. And when we got back, I was actually wondering when Danny would text me. I mean when I hooked up with Matt, he waited 4 days. But then maybe as soon as we got back to our room, Danny texted me. I was really happy.. And in the middle of that, around 3 in the morning, Mark texted me. And my dear god, that make me crack up so much. And he brought up Danny too. Mark was like “I saw you having fun with a guy!” And I was just like “yup” It was funny. I mean, I just thought it was funny, because when I was back at my group, I saw Mark when he was dancing with Sarah or someone, he kept looking at me… I don’t know.

But then Saturday, Danny asked me what I was doing tonight. Long story short, we went to the Lacrosse game, and ended up at the Lacrosse party. And it was fun, not too much fun, because I didn’t know people, but I mean, Danny was there, he kind of gave us the address even though we already had it. And I saw him as soon as we got there, but he was talking a some girls, so I didn’t go up to him, and I didn’t go up to him at all. I kind of thought he would come get me, but that didn’t happen. But I did find someone. His name is Brian, he came up to Lindsay and I, because Ashli and Jenna went to the bathroom, and I didn’t know he was talking to me, but is kid started to speak French, and his friend looks at me, and tells me he just said he thinks I’m pretty. And he came over and started to talk to me, and he asked if I wanted to dance, and I was like “There’s no music, we can’t dance?” and He was like “Yes we can!” And we danced for a good 2.5 seconds, then we started to make out. And came to a point, where we were going back to campus. And I left Lindsay and Ashli and Jenna, because I was pretty thirsty. So, it took forever and this part of the story isn’t that important.. But I did find out that he’s from Canada, and didn’t go to UT. I called a cab, and he called his friend, and then it ended up 4 of us going into a weird ass taxi. And going up to West Kennedy. And we get up there, his friend said that we could use his roommates room, and then change their mind and said to go into his room, and we did, and got into it straight away. After the first time, we were kissing, and he was like “I have a question, and you can slap me if it’s just awful, but my friend out there, Ricky, he has never touched a boob before, can he touch yours?” and I was still drunk at that point and said sure why not.. And Brian was crazy shocked, fucking, got up, grabbed my shorts, put it over his dick and went out to the living room area, butt ass naked, and I was just like “Right now??” And his friends, didn’t see it at first, and was just talking to him, and then saw him and was like “What the fuck, man? What’s with the pink shorts??” And grabs his friend Ricky and brings him into the room with us, and I had a blanket that was covering me, and his friend was just like “Dude, this is the most naked I have ever seen you, or ever wanted to see you.” And Brian was then like “never mind, you’re not cool enough, and kicked him out.” During the second time we were having sex, a guy actually walked in on us… That was awkward, and when he walked out I heard him say “That’s not what you told me was in there!” Then when I was getting dressed, Brian then brought up Ricky again. And so when I was leaving, with Brian still being naked, walked out to the living room area, and was like “Whose Ricky?” And I walked over to him, and was like “You get a free boob grab”, and he grabbed my boobs, and I told Brian to go back and put clothes on for god’s sake. And then I awkwardly left, and said bye to those random ass people, and told them it was nice meeting them… And It was really, really odd.

My weekend was a lot of fun though, to say the least. I am getting together with Mark tonight, and I hope that I can get together with Danny soon, before break starts. Because I like him… And I hope that he actually continues to text me during the break, and isn’t a dick. Danny is actually on the baseball team, and a sophomore. He actually has a 3.7, and I think is majoring in Finance.

I always get ahead of myself, I know that I do. And I need to stop doing that. I need to stop freaking out and thinking way too out there. But it’s because Danny was like “I’ve dated a couple of girls at UTampa, but none of them are like you.” And other crap like that, is it bad of me to believe him? Maybe I should try to stay strong and not have sex with him, honestly. And maybe even tell him why. Which would honestly be: I want to see you next semester, if I leave this one thing out, then it’s a reason to continue to talk to me. I think that’s good. And I believe that is how I will be with him. But we will see, because I think I’ll probably give in… I don’t know. We will see I guess.

OHHHHH!!!!!! AND there was this picture that was taken of Ashli, Lindsay, and Jenna at 912, and in the back you can see Danny and I dancing together, but we were just nose touching looking at each other and I'm just smiling. Ashli brought it up and was like "You guys look so cute!" So, this picture is also making me think too far into the future, which sucks.