I'm so stupid

Great I have made this 20 time harder than it needed to be... I started second guessing my last post and thought that I wanted Kevin back... And we went to the movies together.. And during it I just thought about how much I messed things up between Kevin and I and started to cry and kept asking what was wrong. And I didn't cry through the whole thing.. But maybe two different times I did.. Then we got back out to the car and he kept asking what happened and he hugged me before we got in the car and I started to cry and he kept asking why and I told him that I messed things up so bad. And I was thinking because I had sex with Dan and that I'm with Dan and the things that I do now.. So, he kept asking what and he kept getting closer.. And the whole time I was just thinking how much I wanted to kiss him... And I did... And then we kept kissing and then I he asked if I would take him back and I said yes, because I'm retarded. And then he asked if I was sure and I said "right now I am." And then he looked hurt and was like "right now?" And he asked why I broke up with him and I said I didn't want a relationship and he said and now you do? And I said no.. And that's why I'm confused.. And then he asked if there was something I needed to tell them so I said no.. But then when we got to my house and I said that I was talking to someone at UT and couldn't break it off until after break, and then I told him that we had had sex so it's up to you if you still want me and he got out of the car walked over to my door and pulled me out and said he still wanted me.. But the more I talk to him and less I hang out with Kevin I remember why I didn't like him anymore.. Then Dan and I really hadn't been talking much.. And we actually facetimed yesterday and I know I don't want to go back with Kevin.. But I know that I'm not staying in my relationship with Dan for too much longer maybe another month or two at most. Then I was facetiming Dan tonight and then he asked what I would consider our anniversary date, and we figured it'd be the 3rd of December and then he was like "check your Facebook" and I knew he posted that we were together on Facebook to make us "Facebook official" and my first reaction was "oh god please undo it" and he was like what?? And then I heard my mom so I hung up. And then he tried calling back but I didn't answer and then I called back... After I knew it wasn't on my page.  And then he was pissed when I called him back and I said I had to leave reall quick and then he didn't say anything and then I said I was going to go to bed.. And before we were mad at each other Kevin asked me if I wanted to talk tonight and I said that after I'm done with this call I'll call him and he said ok... And so when I hung up with Dan I got a call from Kevin and answered it and I was still stressing about Dan being mad at me.. So now I feel bad... But what's horrible is that I don't feel bad about cheating.. And I was never supposed to become that .. But I told Dan before we got together that I didn't want a relationship but he's so fucking touchy people were confused of what we were (because we were only supposed to be fuck buddies). And I still feel like that's all we are. We aren't a real relationship. So, Kevin probably thought I didn't want to talk to him, which isn't entirely false... But I don't know how I'm going to explain this to Dan. That the only person in my family who even knows that you exist is my sister? And that my ex boyfriend may try to comment suicide if he hears that I got into another relationship?? Idk what to do.. I know that I'm a horrible terrible person.. But all Dan and I are to each other are Fuck Buddies, even if we have the name of "boyfriend/girlfriend" titles. We use each other for sex and that's it. We have horrible communication. When we FaceTime and I try to talk he's too busy with his poker. And I at least try to listen to his stories... Idk anymore. I still just want Spencer. And only Spencer. That's what sucks.. I wish Spencer was apart of this complicated equation, and answer would be so simple "pick Spencer and leave everyone else behind" but its not like that at all.. There's no option of having a happy Josee .. Just a sad and lonely one.. But whatever. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. Oh well. I'll figure it out somehow!

I figured it out!

I figured it all out! 

I'm with Dan, but I don't want to be.

I want to be with Spencer, but I can't be.

I miss being with Kevin, but I wouldn't if I were with Spencer...

But Ryan said that Spencer is jealous of Dan and I? But I don't know in which way he is jealous in...

And I know if I were with Spencer and I didn't screw things up with him... I would be happy right now.. And I miss the things that Spencer and I did together..

So bottom line is : Spencer is who I want and will be the only person to make me happy. And I hate it, because I will never be with him..

A lot has happened...

I am all done with my finals... About three months ago.. Maybe four.. I broke up with Kevin... About a month ago I finally lost my virginity.. To a guy who is now my boyfriend, Dan.
But Dan's and I's relationship is a lot like just being fuck buddy's. Which I like. I don't really like Dan that much.. And he won't stay my boyfriend for very long.. 

I'm back home and I also found out that I got A's in all of my classes, which keeps me to have a 4.0 in college.. Two weeks ago I texted Kevin.. And apologized for being such a bitch to him.. I've been an awful person lately.. And I don't know how I feel about Kevin, but all I know is that I missed him.. A lot.. And I don't know what to do.. I saw him today.. We actually hung out for a little while.. It was actually really nice... But I cried a lot.. In front of him too.. It was awful.. But once I stopped crying, it was really nice to see him... Before we left the restaurant he hugged me.. And I miss him so much.. But I don't understand why.. I tried re reading my blogs from the past and see why I wanted to break up with him.. And sometimes I look at it and think "oh right" but today when he talked about video games it didn't piss me off... It made me so happy... I was so happy to hear him talk about it, because I realized it was one of the things I loved about him.. But I don't know any more.. All last week I thought about Kevin and how if he said he wanted me back what I would do.. But I don't know if I want him back.. I do but I feel like I'm not going to be happy again.. And I've changed so much since then.. I would completely have to change my friends if that happens.. I couldn't smoke any more and I just got two new pieces to smoke out of! I don't know what to do anymore.. And most of all break up with Dan.. Which really wouldn't be awful because that will happen eventually.. Hopefully soon.. But what I think about is if Kevin kisses me.. I want to kiss him so much.. I miss kissing him.. So much... Honestly Dan can't kiss worth crap.. And that maybe a reason why I miss him.. I feel like I threw away such a great relationship.. But I don't know what to do!

A Little Bit Closer...

Oh my goodness!!!
It has been forever since I have posted something on here.
I am in COLLEGE!!!!
I am currently enrolled at the University of Tampa. The best thing of my life is living here! My roommates are Ashli and Shayda, and then I have two suit mates: Ashley and Paige.
I actually have a life with people that I have never talked about before!
I have been missing out so much I have to go through the past month with you guys. And after I type it all out, you will never expect it to be a month full of stuff, it will seem like I haven't posted something in a year.
So, the 21st of August, I moved  into this beautiful school. I loved my roommates, and we were all happy.
I realized that my roommates were very boy crazy, because they really haven't seen cute boys, like ever. And I thought I was deprived by going to Durant.
We did nothing on the 21st or 22nd really at all.
Then the 23rd we walked to this game room, and we were wanting to play pool, and so these people invited us to play pool with them, and their names, are Jason, Sahki, and Spencer. Sahki then asked if we wanted to go to a frat party that night. And Ashli and I were like "HELL YEAH!" then Shayda was like "HELL NO." So, we ditch Shayda, and went to this Frat party. At first we were planning on going to the frat party, and then we were planning on going to a club called Aja, but then we got to Aja and the girls had to be 18, but the boys had to be 21. So, we went to the frat party. And it was really lame. It was crowded. And we left after maybe 10 minutes of being there. We then walked to a McDonald's. And stayed there until 12 and then they kicked us out, and then we had to walk home because we couldn't find a taxi, and we got back around 2:30, but then stayed out of our room until 3:00, and then we went to bed. I loved that night. It was so fun.
That next night, Saturday we chilled with these people again, and went to a "back to school type thing" at a club called Hyde Park Cafe'. I thought it was really fun, but the boys thought that they would be able to get drinks, but that didn't happen so they didn't have so much fun. I think we stayed there until 2 and then came back, but hung out afterwards. So, that night was a butt load of fun as well.
Then that Tuesday we actually got achcol and
Then the next weekend, the 30th we went to another frat party and I had a lot of fun at that one. I played beer pong, but they played it with water and you didn't drink it afterwards..