I am having one of those days that I’m in a weird mood… And
I feel like all I want to do is cry… But I don’t know why… I know why this mood
started, because last night I was with Scott, and we just ended up just being a
bad night… Maybe I had too high of expectations? I’m not sure, and I don’t know
how I feel right now.. I don’t know if this is just sadness or If it’s just
confusion.. I thought that I really liked Scott, but now I don’t know. But at
the same time I don’t want to think “I don’t like Scott anymore” I didn’t see
this happening… Just last night sucked ass. And I don’t know how to deal with
it. I don’t know how to get out of this awful feeling mood. I want to be back
to myself. And I’m even in this mood if I’m not thinking about what happened
last night, and I just don’t know what to do. I thought writing about it would
help. I haven’t written in my blog in such a long time.. Normally it helps me
think.. Matt is fucking texting me telling me to come over, but my stomach is
in knots and I don’t feel like even having interactions with people.
I think I’m tired of these games.. I don’t want to cry
anymore I don’t want to be alone. I just want someone secure. I don’t want to
just have sex to have sex. I want something meaningful. And I haven’t had that
since Kevin. And I hate that. I hate that I haven’t been completely happy after
I broke up with Kevin. I hate it. I don’t even think that I know how to have a
relationship again. And sure, I’m supposed to “wait for the right one to come
along” and “it will happen” but every time I feel like “it will happen” I’m
just wrong. I hate it. I don’t even think anymore that I messed things up with
Kevin, because Kevin hates who I have become. And I have become the same person
I was. I’m sick of it. I’m tired of this crap.
