Life is... Faling Apart...

I believe that every girl has their doubts on their life. What outfit they decide to buy, what to go with their friends for Christmas, and who they want to be with. Now, the thing is, I don't have my doubts, for the most part. I have my wants. And my wants are crushing my soul. Why is it that I can't hold onto the decent guy? But maybe they were never decent to begin with, and that's why they are gone. But just everywhere I turn and think "I can see myself with him" it goes way into my heart and stabs it and crushes my dreams and starts all over again.

Now, any guy that I don't care for, at all, is a total creep, and then is really weird or just a dick completely.

What I want is to find a good man that I truly care for, while I am still in college. But as my time is running out, I do not believe that is going to happen... I am afraid that I won’t even find my soulmate. At the same time, my school isn't known for their relationships, and I have come to terms with that. It's just, I still am a girl, and have hopes and sees everyone else finding their soulmate, and grabbing onto a man. And here I am: making the same mistakes, and getting nowhere.

But who else can I blame, but myself.

Now, I'm going to end this pity story now before I keep going. I don't want to say anymore tonight, because I already know that my blogs give out too much information.

So, I must say, have a good night. And Merry Christmas!

Weird Moods

I am having one of those days that I’m in a weird mood… And I feel like all I want to do is cry… But I don’t know why… I know why this mood started, because last night I was with Scott, and we just ended up just being a bad night… Maybe I had too high of expectations? I’m not sure, and I don’t know how I feel right now.. I don’t know if this is just sadness or If it’s just confusion.. I thought that I really liked Scott, but now I don’t know. But at the same time I don’t want to think “I don’t like Scott anymore” I didn’t see this happening… Just last night sucked ass. And I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to get out of this awful feeling mood. I want to be back to myself. And I’m even in this mood if I’m not thinking about what happened last night, and I just don’t know what to do. I thought writing about it would help. I haven’t written in my blog in such a long time.. Normally it helps me think.. Matt is fucking texting me telling me to come over, but my stomach is in knots and I don’t feel like even having interactions with people.

I think I’m tired of these games.. I don’t want to cry anymore I don’t want to be alone. I just want someone secure. I don’t want to just have sex to have sex. I want something meaningful. And I haven’t had that since Kevin. And I hate that. I hate that I haven’t been completely happy after I broke up with Kevin. I hate it. I don’t even think that I know how to have a relationship again. And sure, I’m supposed to “wait for the right one to come along” and “it will happen” but every time I feel like “it will happen” I’m just wrong. I hate it. I don’t even think anymore that I messed things up with Kevin, because Kevin hates who I have become. And I have become the same person I was. I’m sick of it. I’m tired of this crap. 

Worst Day Ever

I don't even know how to write this... I don't know how I feel...
My roommate, Ashli just texted me, telling me that she's not coming back to UT...
She apologized thinking I'd be upset with her... And I'm not. I could never be upset with Ashli... I'm very sad... I can't help but to cry... What am I going to do without her?? This is insane!! I don't know how this year is going to be, I have honestly been thinking about it a lot, and how great it was going to be, and now... Not so much... I don't know.. I'm just horrified at this thought of being alone or with someone I'll hate... I don't know what to think, what to do...
I just don't know.

Alone

I feel alone...
I shouldn't, but last year at this time, I was graduating high school, and Kevin was back from college...
Now I have no one.
I am not sure if I ever mentioned Rory on this blog or not, but Rory is a (white) Jamaican Junior, now Senior, from my university. I had a class with him my first semester, and the biggest crush on him. Of course that was virgin Josee, so I wasn't that sure how to 'make a move', or even feel like I would be comfortable trying to have sex with him as a virgin, and I really didn't think he would want a virgin, but things got out of control, I lost my chance with him, and started dating Dan.
About 3 or 4 weeks ago, I saw Rory in the Cafe, and thank god I looked amazing that day, but I did, and I mean I smiled at him, but didn't like talk to him or anything, because he was with people, and I am kind of shy. About two or three days later, I found him on Tinder, and we got matched! I was just so excited, but he didn't message me... I deleted tinder, because I think it's the creepiest app in the world, but about a week ago I re-downloaded it, and saw that I had a message from Rory! Which was sent two days before I downloaded the app again. I was so excited, and messaged him back, because all he said was "Josee I found you on Tinder!!" And it was cute, so I messaged him back, and two days later he messaged me back, and we started talking like yesterday, and today he asked me what my plans were for the summer. And long story short, we have plans to meet up tomorrow... However, he was like "Tomorrow is so far away..." and then he asked for a "preview", which I really don't feel comfortable with doing, so of course, we dragged it out to a point where I finally told him no, and he hasn't texted me back, which is fine. It's whatever. I still bet that we hang out tomorrow.
But Danny posted these things on snap... And one was like with two girls in bikinis and having a pillow fight with them, and of course I'm jealous! But at the same time, I need to just stay calm. Because I mean, I am about ot go hang out with Rory tomorrow, so I shouldn't expect him to not do anything with girls, but at the same time, I don't think that I will be spending all that much time with guys this summer, I honestly won't have time. And Rory leaves Tuesday. :/ I'm actually kind of proud of myself for going to actually meet with him and not finding excuses not to go.
And I want to just snap Mark and say "Hey!" but I did just talk to him yesterday... Maybe I'll snap him tomorrow right before work with a neutral "First day back at work!!" And I'm going to be looking very cute tomorrow, well at least my face will be, because there is no way of making my work uniform cute.
I am just scared that I am going to go crazy this summer... I just want to cry right now, and I don't know why. I can't say it's because of my period, because that's not for another two weeks. I'm just freaking out for no reason.
But I do feel a tiny bit better after typing this all out... I honestly don't know if anyone could even remotely try to understand what I'm going through, because I just feel like this isn't a normal thing.
I'm not sure, but I guess we will see how this summer takes me.

Back Home

It's true... I'm back home.. And I'm not thrilled about it. However,after last night and my pity party that i threw myself on here, Matt texting me asking if I was doing anything for the night, and I told him that I was going to drink with some friends, and he never responded. Which is whateves. BUT 4 minutes after Matt texted me, Danny texted me!!! :) I was so excited!
Later in the night, he texted me and told me to meet him in Brevard courtyard. And I said give me a minute, because I was with friends. So, I walked my friend, Michael back to the side of Vaughn, and saw Danny outside, and he texted saying he was outside, and I said same. I walked past the courtyard to help my friend to the side of the building and then came back and he wasn't there... And so I texted him "Or not...?" and he was like "You just walked past me." and then I asked if I should leave, and he said he was coming back. So, we talked for like 10 minutes maybe 20. Then he started talking about this annoying friend of his (his words not mine) who is texting him and asked him where he was, and when he told her, she was like "I'm getting food and will meet you." And so, I think he did this on purpose, but when she was first just walking past we were making out. And she saw us, and he was like shocked that it would happen in front of her so whatever. Then she went and got food and came back. At first, she was all resistant to sitting down, because she wouldn't get up, or whatever. Then she sat down, talked to him for like fucking forever, then left. Then Danny and I started talking,and maybe like 15 minutes later he was saying everything he has to worry about, and I told him if he needed to we could go, and he was like "Are you sure?" and of course I said yes, and he was like "... Yeah... I should probably start studying some more." And he kissed me, and said that he will see me next semester and that was it. Then I walked back to Austin, and Henry was there and I talked with him for a bit, saying everything that happened, and I was kind of upset that he did leave, and Henry said boys are stupid, and don't think. So, I hope Danny texts me next semester. And tomorrow, well in like half an hour, is his birthday! So, I'm going to send him a snap saying birthday, or should I just text? I'll text. So, that's what's up with Danny.
Matt texted me again like an hour again, asking if I had left campus already, and of course I said yes. And he was like ":( ok" and I replied with "Sorry, Maybe next semester?" and then he was like "Yeah maybe" and I was like ok, I just gave u a pity throw on that, I'm so happy that I don't like this kid, because that probably would have hurt if it came from Danny or someone. Then I was like "kk have a good summer" and he said "yeah you too." then sent me a text 15 minutes later saying "I'm honestly so horny right now and wish you were here" and I said "sorry cant help you :/" But I am kinda sad that we didn't screw last night, or any night other than Monday, I'm going to have a huge dry spell and it's going to suck..
Then time for Mark. Mark texted me today asking if he could come by, to say bye, and he did but Ashli was in there so it was really awkward. But what makes no sense is that he didn't have a roommate this afternoon, so I don't know why he wouldn't ask me to go other there, even if it was for a goodbye and not a hookup. And when he was leaving my room, he hugged me, really tight.. And long. And I didn't think he would kiss me, but then he turned around again and kissed me, and it was sweet, awkward cause Ashli was right there. But really sweet... And I know that I don't really have a crush or like Mark the way I like Danny, he's kind of just there, and I think I'm just kind of just there for him too. Nice to hold on to... But I really enjoy our time together. I really do, but I did think that we were going to have sex by now. Which is fine, but I don't think he will loose it to me :/ And I wish he would... Is that wrong?

I hope that this summer flies by, because I just want to see all of my friends again. I already miss them. But I need this break, I need to work for a bit, and be with my home friends. I miss college already though. I don't know what I'm going to do :/ I can't believe summer is here!!!

Desperate

That's how I feel right now: desperate.
I am so bored, and I just want to be doing something, anything! We are planning on drinking tonight, but that not for another few hours. It's our last night here, and all I want is to make a huge desperate move. I can't even say it out loud! But I'm wondering how desperate can I get? I mean, I texted Danny last, and sure he waves and says hi when he sees me, but that doesn't mean anything... I thought that he actually liked me, why would I ever think that? I want to send him a seductive message through snap, but I feel like that's desperate. So, that leads me to texting Matt, because we have fucked a couple of times now, but the thing is about him, was that I was kind of expecting him to text me these past couple nights, and he didn't. And he shouldn't have a problem with fucking me, because I don't like him, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't think I'm attached to him. But who knows anymore. I don't want to up my number anymore this semester so that put finding someone else out of the case. I am just wondering if I should text Matt tonight, because I have nothing to loose, and I don't think I'm going to be having sex for the next couple months when I'm at home, and so, I don't know when the next time I will have an opportunity, and I just want to fuck someone is that so difficult?
Then I want to hang out with Mark today, but he hasn't seen my snap yet, because he's working. And where he is working, I kind of looked to see what event is going on, which it says that the even door open at 6, so that means that the even doesn't even start at 6!! And it's only 5:59 right now!!!
:(
I'm so desperate to do something. And sure I may sound like a total loser right now, but I don't care. It's my last night in college, for the summer break at least, and I want to not be bored! Is that so hard to ask for?

Changes

This is my last few days in this college freshman year...
I have been thinking way too much about everything that passes through my life. And have been thinking about it way too much. What I just started to think about today is how much I have changed in this past year. College has changed me so much. And it's a good thing. Last year, I barely wore any make up anymore, because I didn't give a shit what I looked like, because I was with Kevin. And honestly, I think that I lost myself when I was Kevin, or didn't even know who I was yet. This first year let me explore so much that I have probably have been too scared to do. Now I wear make-up and so my hair everyday, and that might be because there are no days that I in my room all day long, even if I have nothing to do, I still have to leave the room to go and eat, and will see people who I want to look attractive for.
I now wear clothes that I thought I could never wear, because of this awesome no dress code thing. I am a lot tanner than I used to be. And honestly, I have more confidence than I ever thought I could hold. And maybe loosing my virginity did that for me, this college year took all my virginity that I have only ever held: my innocence. My innocence is now gone, and that old Josee is too. I like this new person that I have became.
I can't wait to start summer and my job again, but I can't wait for next semester even more than anything else. Being able to do everything and re-experience everything. And also I think with this experience under my belt, this summer will be a lot better than any other summer I have ever done. I will be home, yes, but I will go out so much more this summer than I have ever before coming to college I will be asking people to go places, not just hiding in the corner, scared about getting up in the morning; or whatever that is on my mind. I won't have Kevin holding me back, and I will be able to do anything that I want.
And I can't wait.

Best Weekend

I guess this will be about the past few weeks… I’m not really sure where I left off on my college journey with you. However, I know that my last few week are upon my freshmen year… I don’t know how I am going to be once I graduate, I don’t want to ever leave college, and it is just too much fun.

Erik and I are no longer talking to each other… There was one day we were texting, and he just stopped in the middle of the conversation, then the next day I texted him, and he never responded. I took the hint right then that we were done… I didn’t understand why… Until this weekend. Lindsay has been hanging out with them. He said he stopped talking to me, because he thought I was having feeling for him, which I was, and he doesn’t do relationships.. However, when did I ever bring up relationships with him? If anything I told him that I told they were overrated, just as he thought. But it was right for that to happen. I mean, it’s not like I could get be with him, not only because of that, but he smokes too, I can’t be with someone who smokes.

So, this weekend, Ashli’s best friend from Maine is here, and so we made sure to have the best weekend ever, and it was, and next weekend will be too, because it’s the last weekend here.. But Friday we went to 912, and actually Mark went too… And I was so worried about that. I thought that I would just end up dancing with him; that’s not what I want. I want to be able to go out, and meet new people. And Lindsay was making out with a guy, and his friend came over and talked to me then. And honestly at first we were just talking, then he asked if he could take me out on a date, which was sweet in my opinion. And I gave him my number, then he asked if he could kiss me. And I think he was a little surprised when I said yes, but then we started to make out, and he left to do something, and came back, and he was starting to kiss me again. Let me repeat this, to make sure you understand, we are not dancing, we are standing there kissing each other. So, I asked him if he would like to dance, and he said yes, and in the middle of our swaying, (and swaying, is actually really nice in my opinion, kind of reminds me of Kevin and I at prom…) we were talking and it came up, because a weird song came on that we didn’t know how to dance to it, that we couldn’t dance, and then gas petal came on, and we were just kind of slow dancing to Gas Petal. And it was cute, honestly, he was really sweet, and I really like his personality. In my opinion, he’s attractive, so he’s two for two right now. And he asked me if I wanted to go back, and I told him that I had to stick with my friends, and he was like “Oh, me too.” It was cute. But he asked me earlier if I wanted to go back with him, and I said no, but he stayed with me that whole night. And I mean, Ashli and Jenna told me the next morning that they thought the entire time I was making out with him, but that’s not true, because we talked a lot. Honestly, I loved the way we talked with each other. And I trued ti stay cute, and he said I was different than other girls. And was like I wasn’t annoying, and I asked him how a girl could be annoying if you are basically just dancing, barely talking and making out. And he said that they start complaining that they are tired, so I kind of leaned on him and was like “I’m tired” and of course laughing while doing it, and he laughed too. And then later he was like “that’s weird” and I asked what was wrong, and he said that there was this guy who was looking at him weird, and I was like “If you want to, it’s okay if you go and dance with him, it doesn’t bother me.” And He like grabbed onto me and he was like “No I’m good.” And that’s when he called me funny. Which is good.

When he left, I went back to my group of friends and Lindsay was like “Oh is he finally done?” And we all started to laugh, but I liked him. And Ashli was like “Mark came over and asked where you were, and we just told him, behind you, and you were in the middle of making out with him.” And I mean, at some points, we were interrupted and started talking to people, like Sarah and Mark at one point, but we weren’t making out then. Is it bad that I’m happy that Mark saw me with him? I mean after Danny, oh… That’s his name, by the way, Danny. After Danny left, Mark was being grinded on by Holly and Sarah, and even though I know they would probably never try anything on him, it’s still someone. So, yea.. We didn’t talk much while we were there. But we finally left around 2:30 I guess, and went back home. Lindsay was getting annoyed with me I know, but that’s because I was worried as fuck, because we were with Mark and Sarah and them, and Lindsay wanted to go a different way, and we did, and I like freaked out because I’m scare in Tampa! Lindsay doesn’t know, because she hasn’t lived near Tampa for the past 17 years, but there are so many murders that happen in Tampa. And I’m scared that will happen to me! And at least if we are in a big group (Not just four girls) we are safer. And so she was just like “Why are you freaking out??” And I just wanted to slap her, because she pisses me off so easily sometimes. And when we got back, I was actually wondering when Danny would text me. I mean when I hooked up with Matt, he waited 4 days. But then maybe as soon as we got back to our room, Danny texted me. I was really happy.. And in the middle of that, around 3 in the morning, Mark texted me. And my dear god, that make me crack up so much. And he brought up Danny too. Mark was like “I saw you having fun with a guy!” And I was just like “yup” It was funny. I mean, I just thought it was funny, because when I was back at my group, I saw Mark when he was dancing with Sarah or someone, he kept looking at me… I don’t know.

But then Saturday, Danny asked me what I was doing tonight. Long story short, we went to the Lacrosse game, and ended up at the Lacrosse party. And it was fun, not too much fun, because I didn’t know people, but I mean, Danny was there, he kind of gave us the address even though we already had it. And I saw him as soon as we got there, but he was talking a some girls, so I didn’t go up to him, and I didn’t go up to him at all. I kind of thought he would come get me, but that didn’t happen. But I did find someone. His name is Brian, he came up to Lindsay and I, because Ashli and Jenna went to the bathroom, and I didn’t know he was talking to me, but is kid started to speak French, and his friend looks at me, and tells me he just said he thinks I’m pretty. And he came over and started to talk to me, and he asked if I wanted to dance, and I was like “There’s no music, we can’t dance?” and He was like “Yes we can!” And we danced for a good 2.5 seconds, then we started to make out. And came to a point, where we were going back to campus. And I left Lindsay and Ashli and Jenna, because I was pretty thirsty. So, it took forever and this part of the story isn’t that important.. But I did find out that he’s from Canada, and didn’t go to UT. I called a cab, and he called his friend, and then it ended up 4 of us going into a weird ass taxi. And going up to West Kennedy. And we get up there, his friend said that we could use his roommates room, and then change their mind and said to go into his room, and we did, and got into it straight away. After the first time, we were kissing, and he was like “I have a question, and you can slap me if it’s just awful, but my friend out there, Ricky, he has never touched a boob before, can he touch yours?” and I was still drunk at that point and said sure why not.. And Brian was crazy shocked, fucking, got up, grabbed my shorts, put it over his dick and went out to the living room area, butt ass naked, and I was just like “Right now??” And his friends, didn’t see it at first, and was just talking to him, and then saw him and was like “What the fuck, man? What’s with the pink shorts??” And grabs his friend Ricky and brings him into the room with us, and I had a blanket that was covering me, and his friend was just like “Dude, this is the most naked I have ever seen you, or ever wanted to see you.” And Brian was then like “never mind, you’re not cool enough, and kicked him out.” During the second time we were having sex, a guy actually walked in on us… That was awkward, and when he walked out I heard him say “That’s not what you told me was in there!” Then when I was getting dressed, Brian then brought up Ricky again. And so when I was leaving, with Brian still being naked, walked out to the living room area, and was like “Whose Ricky?” And I walked over to him, and was like “You get a free boob grab”, and he grabbed my boobs, and I told Brian to go back and put clothes on for god’s sake. And then I awkwardly left, and said bye to those random ass people, and told them it was nice meeting them… And It was really, really odd.

My weekend was a lot of fun though, to say the least. I am getting together with Mark tonight, and I hope that I can get together with Danny soon, before break starts. Because I like him… And I hope that he actually continues to text me during the break, and isn’t a dick. Danny is actually on the baseball team, and a sophomore. He actually has a 3.7, and I think is majoring in Finance.

I always get ahead of myself, I know that I do. And I need to stop doing that. I need to stop freaking out and thinking way too out there. But it’s because Danny was like “I’ve dated a couple of girls at UTampa, but none of them are like you.” And other crap like that, is it bad of me to believe him? Maybe I should try to stay strong and not have sex with him, honestly. And maybe even tell him why. Which would honestly be: I want to see you next semester, if I leave this one thing out, then it’s a reason to continue to talk to me. I think that’s good. And I believe that is how I will be with him. But we will see, because I think I’ll probably give in… I don’t know. We will see I guess.

OHHHHH!!!!!! AND there was this picture that was taken of Ashli, Lindsay, and Jenna at 912, and in the back you can see Danny and I dancing together, but we were just nose touching looking at each other and I'm just smiling. Ashli brought it up and was like "You guys look so cute!" So, this picture is also making me think too far into the future, which sucks.

I guess it's time...

My weekend, even though it is closer to my next weekend than my past weekend, was very interesting...
I am still deciding to tell you what happened during my Saturday night...
My Friday night Ashli was talking to some guy on Tinder and he was saying that his roommate and him were wanting to 'party' so Ashli and I had already started to drink... And then they came picked us up... And they weren't cute. At all. But we drank, I had 8 beers. Ashli had 7. Ashli hooked up with her tinder guy, and I hooked up with the roommate. And I woke up with a hickey. I mean, sex is always fine. However this kid, was short, and not that cute. And the next morning he was like "We should switch numbers" which we did. And he just texted me yesterday, but I didn't text back. It's not like I actually like him, or even plan on ever seeing him. He was so short...
Then Saturday, Ashli and I were going to go out and do something, but just not sure what. Then Callie came in saying she was going to go to Ryan's house party. Ryan is Ashli's ex. And I was wanting to go to that party. So, I convinced Ashli after like 30 minutes for us to go, then she said that we couldn't just go as the two of us. So, we texted our good friend Henry, and he said we could go with him! So we ended up going to his room, and then Paulina came in, and then we went to Straz and then we of course was drinking the whole time. At Straz Henry finally got his alcohol, because only Ashli and I were really drinking at that point. Then we played a game of kings, which was fun. And then we went to this party. And drank a shitty jungle juice. And got really fucked up. Ashli went to Corey and started hanging out with him, and then I went around and mingled. Yeah... So... Around 2:30 Ashli left, and that's the last part of the party that I really remember. Then I woke up on a couch with a guy around 4:30ish and moved to the other couch. I was still at Ryans, and I don't remember a fucking thing.

The next morning, I found out what I can't remember: I saw Henry and he asked me what happened to me, and asked if I went home with that guy. And I was like "Who was he?" And he told me that toward the end of the party that I was flirting with this guy, and I was actually like playing dumb, and then he found a cab and came back to get me, and I was making out with the guy. Then Henry was like "Come on Josee" Then I guess when we got to the porch, I said "I think I'm going to stay." And he asked if I was sure, and I said yes, and then I went back in. I haven't talked to this mystery guy, at all. I don't know what happened. And then Ryan said that after the party was done, I had given up on finding a ride, and that I was sleeping on the steps of his porch, then he picked me up and put me inside on the couch. I have no idea why I woke up on the couch with that other guy, because he wasn't on the couch when I was put there. But apparently he was too drunk to drive home, so he crash there.

The guy was nice enough to drive me home and everything. But I still think it's crazy that he was on the couch with me.. Oh well. I know I didn't have sex with him at least. That would have been bad...

Yesterday Mark actually came over, and we hung out for an hour... I mean we aren't having sex, because he's a virgin, and he doesn't want to. And honestly, I'm fine with that. Sadly, it's not like I have a crush on him anymore. The whole Candace thing, doesn't bother me anymore and I've gotten over it. Yesterday Mark actually asked me why I continue to hang out with him if we don't have sex. The thing is, I don't want to have sex just all the time. And I like hanging out with him... But I don't like him anymore, so should I not want to hang out with him? I mean, I do want to hang out with him, but I don't know. I think I'm over thinking this. But I don't know.

I still haven't talk to Erik... Which is sad in my opinion... I thought we both liked each other.. I guess not :/ It's not that big of a deal with him, either. Just I really liked talking to him...
Justin texted me Monday saying that we should get together this week. And I told him sure, but I texted him today wondering if he wanted to tonight, but I was very broad.
I said: "Hey, just wondering, were you thinking tonight by chance?" And he replied with: "Idk I have a baseball game why?" and I replied with "Ok. I was just wondering if I should be making other plans or not." And he still hasn't replied yet. So, I don't think it will be tonight. But I don't know... I don't know what I should want and what I want is right. You know?

Just a Thought

Hey. So, I don't really know what to think at this point. Mark fucking snapped me, but maybe it was a group snap. But he said in it "Hey what's up?" and I waited a bit, but responded, but then he didn't fucking respond when he saw it. So, I snapped him again saying not to be a butt. And we snapped like 2 more times. And then he stopped. Why do I care? And so when Ashli and I were having dinner, I said "I need a new guy." Cause honestly, right now I'm bored with the ones that I have. And she laughed and was like "But you have two." And technically if I ever wanted to hook up with Justin I could get with him with just a text. So, I kinda have three, but only two that counts. But I don't want to say that I'm tired of Mark and his virgin-ness, and maybe that's what I'm thinking. But I mean, he blew me off last week. This week, when he slept over he was here for like 4 hours and then left... And sure it wasn't his fault. But still. Then he fucking does this today? And then I became desperate and fucking just texted him, and as soon as I did I regretted it. And he hasn't texted back, which makes it worse. But I was wondering if he would want to hang out tonight. But at the same time, it would be me inviting myself to his room, which is kind of awkward if people are there. But he did kind of invite himself over to my room... Like, he didn't, but did. when we made plans for this past Saturday he brought it by saying "I realized that your bed is comfier than mine" or some shit like that...
But I don't know why at this point I want a new guy. I kinda want to hang out with Mark tonight, because I am wanting to do something but my period is here, so, that eliminates anyone else. So, that's like one good thing about Mark, this week he comes in handy, because he doesn't care.
I feel like I want to hang out with Justin soon, he texted me the day that Mark was heading over... And so maybe that should happen soon. But at the same time, over the weekend, I'm normally good with plans... But at the same time, I don't know. I just need someone new!!
And tinder, I don't even care for it anymore. I don't find the entertainment anymore. And also even though I get new matches like every fucking day, no one messages me. If they only knew that I honestly wouldn't be a "nope" to a hook up. But at the same time right now I'm only feeling this way, because of my period.
Tomorrow there is a free STD Testing at our school. So, Ashli, Lindsay and I are going to go there at 10:30 tomorrow morning. And I'm not excited or anything, but I am really happy that we are doing it.
So, Ashli and I are planning on getting ready for our run, then going down so she can eat, and then us going over there to get tested. I mean we are just really being responsible and making sure that we are clean. I mean I'm only on number 5, while Ashli is at 4 and Lindsay's at 3, but the difference between Lindsay and Ashli and I is that Ashli and I didn't just loose our virginity 3 weeks ago; and Lindsay did. The first guy was like a Wednesday and then like the next Monday she slept with a new person! Like what the fuck?? Then the NEXT weekend she found the guy she's fucking now!
Whatever I don't think that we have anything. Well, Ashli actually has Mono... And I think that Lindsay has it too. But I'm clean as a whistle. For now.
SO. The point of this blog, is that I need a new person. But you know how easy that is? Not in any way is this easy. I mean, I could, technically message someone that I know is on campus from tinder and talk to them about hooking up, but I don't even want that... Maybe just going out this weekend with the girls will set me straight. Hopefully. And it should be fun. I'm excited.
And Erik... I really do like Erik... And I guess he is also thinking about moving to downtown Tampa... And I don't know when that will happen, or even if it will happen, but if it does... And we are still talking... Like how perfect would that be??
And last night he wanted me to come over and I couldn't, because of my stupid 10 a.m. class. And I mean, I should probably think of my period for that as well, but there has been a time that we drove over there and didn't do anything but sleep together... And it's not like it's the only thing we do.. We actually talk and everything.. I don't know... I just really like the thought of Erik... Maybe because he's older... I don't know. But he's practically perfect. In my eyes at least... Some minor flaws, but I have just the same. Can't expect someone to be perfect when you aren't, right?
But the WAY he asked me to come over was just perfect, and I just wish so badly I could have gone over there. I was texting him and he asked me what I was up to. And I said that we were throwing this awesome party called "Doing homework" and he should come over.. and he said "We can study anatomy and physiology at my place tonight." And I can still just melt over that pick up line. OH, my freaking god. It was perfect... I wish I could have gone over there... Oh, well...
I don't know. I'm just bored tonight. And I just want to do something...
WOW. I just realized that I honestly have done nothing this past few days that I haven't posted. And still haven't, so yesterday I thought "There's nothing to talk about, nothing has happened." But I just about have a full post on just little shit that has happened, and a lot of things that are just running through my head. Literally. And I just can't get around these things...
I just am too bored to do anything. And I'm tired, but it's too late to try to take a nap. And too early to go to bed... So, I guess I'll watch some netflix... Good night everybody... I hope I can expect your loyal reading this evening as well as a few days ago.

Unexpected Twists

So, yesterday and this morning I guess didn't go the way I planned... But it wasn't that big of a deal. It was fine...
So, yesterday Callie came into the room and we started to talk, and she said she was going to go to Walgreen's, and I said I would go with her, if she wanted, and then she said that she had a girl walking with her, but that I could come, and I did. And we smoked before and after going to Walgreen's... I haven't smoked in over a week. It was fine, I'm happy that I did, because that kind of made sure that I wasn't bored until the night when Mark was supposed to come over. Because Mark is a dick, and was like "Oh, I think I'll come over after going out." and I really didn't care, whatever. And I came back from smoking the second time after Walgreen's, and I started watching Netflix and passed out. I woke up around 11, and texted Mark around 12:30 ish.. Because Justin texted me as well, so I could have gone over there if Mark was going to bail. So, Mark said that he was on his way over or whatever, and around 3 Sarah was texting him saying that she needed him, and that nothing had gone that badly before. And Sam said that Sarah got raped, but then Holly said that Sarah and her made out. I was really confused, and he was trying to figure out if they really needed him or not. And they said no, then we just kind of hung out and fell asleep and around 5 his phone went off, like crazy, and I gave it to him, and like 5 minutes later he just like "I have to go..." And so I mean, he didn't just get up and leave... But he got up and left... I mean he said good bye, and sorry and like we had a make out session of a goodbye, but still. And I just texted him now just saying "Hey just checking in, is everyone okay?" and his response was "Um.. I have to get back to you on that one." So, I'm kind of worried... I don't know, just concerned I guess.
I am meeting up with a guy at 2:30, to do a project, so that should be fun, not.
And this morning, I am actually happy that he left when he did, I mean I got the bed to myself and I got to sleep for 3 hours, but I mean I liked how I didn't have to push him out in the morning because I did have shit to do, so I was able to just get up and leave, and I feel like I wouldn't have gotten things done if he was here this morning.
So, this morning I woke up and walked around to any place that I could have gotten something printed at to print out my volunteer paperwork, and that was fun. Because nothing. And I mean NOTHING was open. I went to Vaughn computer lab, closed, then went to the library, closed, then I went to the Jacobs Computer Center, Closed, then I went to the academic success center, closed. So, I went back to Vaughn and asked the front desk guy if I could print off a page, and he said yes. So, that was fun. Then I grabbed a bagel, because it just opened, then went up to my room to eat, then I had 3 meals left for the day, so I was going to go and get some cookies, because Erik really liked the cookies here, and so, I looked at the times online and they were open at 9, and it was 9:10 at that time, and I had to start walking at 9:30, so I started to walk to Morsoni to grab the cookies, then I came back to my room to drop them off then I left for my volunteer work.
I got there a little late, and I walked there, and was confused as fuck, so finally someone came to the door and opened it for me, because it was locked. And so I went signed up and started to get to work. Which meant, that I sat down at a table with a classmate of mine, and was told to get kids to be interested in play-doh. Which would have been fine, but it wasn't even play-doh. It was like the crappy knock-off version of play-doh. And It was hard, and it didn't stay together. So, this cool place is around us and they have so little time to experience it, and we are supposed to try to get them to play with play-doh? Why? It is pointless.
So, after an hour I got off of the play-doh trail, and started to walk around, then 30 minutes later I got my partner off of it, and then we started to walk around. She was really nice... She is actually going back to New York though after this year... So that kind of sucks... But she is in one of my classes, but I've never talked to her before really. And after the two hours were up we got our stuff and walked back to campus together.
However, when I went and got my stuff, I saw this guy, Chris, he's from Delaware... He actually works there... And I have always thought he was cute... I don't know. I think it's weird if you see people you know off campus... I don't know why.
But the girl, Madison, I think her name was, and I went to lunch together so that was nice...
Then I came up to my room. And now waiting for 2:30. Which isn't far away, so I'm excited. I do kind of have plans today, even if they aren't spectacular fun plans. It's still something to do.

Thought I Knew... But Now I'm Lost

I thought I knew exactly what I wanted... I thought that maybe what I really wanted was to date Erik... And now I am just rethinking everything... And it's probably because of him.. Yesterday when he came and got me we were just talking about stuff, and relationships I guess got brought up somehow... And We were talking about Lindsay and whatever. And he was like "Aren't relationships like overrated in college anyways?" And maybe he didn't say it in these exact words, but they were in the exact content...
And maybe I am thinking I don't want a relationship, because I like having my options open.
And maybe I am thinking that I don't want a relationship with him, because he is a smoker... I mean, it really doesn't bother me, it does... But I could deal with it, you know? And we were on our way to Steak N' Shake, and he started to cough, and I jokingly said "Smokers Cough" and he was like "Shut up... You know, you're right." And picked up his pack of cigarettes and threw them out the window. Just like that. And I was like "What the fuck, just happened?" and then I thought "Oh, the box was empty" And he swore it was practically a full box... I just don't know if he is serious or not about quitting... I mean it wasn't his normal cigarettes either, so he could have just thought "Well, I don't like these that much anyways."
I don't know what to think, honestly...
Then before we went to Steak N' Shake, I guess Caitlin texted him. I just want to be like "What the fuck?" but he swears that he even regrets that he banged her... So, I mean I honestly believe him. Honestly, this whole Caitlin and him happening is a good thing, because I think it's just hilarious, because he regret fucking her.. We were talking last night, and he said "So, you know Caitlin and I fucked?" because I was talking like I knew, and I guess he didn't think I knew, and he just thought maybe that she wouldn't brag about sleeping with him, or something. I don't know, but he said they fucked for like 10 minutes, and he was drunk as fuck,
and I think he kicked her out and was like "I need to have the bed to myself" And then said to me "At least I let you sleep in the bed with me" And I don't know why, but it just makes me feel better how he is different with me than other girls... I am not expecting a miracle or anything, but I guess you could say I just have high hopes... And the next morning he was regretting it, because Josh the next morning was like "Dude, you banged the fat chick!" and Erik was just embarrassed. But I don't know. I just have like an boost of spirit, which sounds awful, but I can look at Caitlin now, and be happy with myself, and glad that they banged, because it just makes me realize that I am actually good enough to have a relationship with. Why should I think any other way. And then also, making sure that it is like so causal will make it even better. If he gets jealous, and we talk about it, and he wants to be exclusive, or he continues and I still get to be single and happy, and either way, in  my opinion, it's a win-win situation.

Time to Write

Yesterday was a mind blow experience...
Well, let me start from the beginning and talk about Tuesday night.
Tuesday I just got back onto campus from eating inner with my mom and my sisters boyfriend, I might just start calling him my brother-in-law, because that's what he is. So, I was walking into my building and I hear someone laugh. And it really sounded like Josh's laugh. So, I mean I didn't do anything. Just thought "Hey someone has Josh's laugh!" And then I walk out to go and print something and I just see Josh sitting with this girl from one of my classes, Amy, and Devon. And Devon is someone that I have always been attracted to, I don't know why. He's not insanely cute or anything, but I think he is. So, I walk past and I paused, and Josh started to laugh. And I was like, why are you here? And he was like "I know these guys!" and I told him that I swore I just heard his laugh and that's crazy, and I texted Ashli saying Josh was here, because it was really freaking random.
Then the next morning, Erik texted me asking if I finished my mid term, because Amy was asking, and then Amy got my number and started to texting me. And was needing some of the questions, and I told her once she gets on campus we can meet up and share our answers. So, she gets on campus, and we meet up and had a crazy thing of how we both know these random guys from Kentucky.. And she even said that Erik said he was hooking up with a girl name Josee, and she was like "Oh I know a Josee, but it couldn't be the same one" But it was... Because it was me! Oh my goodness... Then she called over this girl, who I used to hang out with, and still kind of friends with, Caitlin, and then I got to find out that she fucked Erik. So, that was fun... Not. But I really don't care. Honestly, I'm not sure why. But I'm not jealous, I'm not worried. I feel like we don't need to worry about anything. And Caitlin is kind of a slut... So, it really doesn't matter to me. I doubt it meant anything to either one of them, and I've had sex with other people too, and so I can't judge for something I have done.
Lindsay thinks otherwise... She was like "Oh have you found a guy?" And I'm like "Well... Erik." And she was like "Well, other than the fact that he's nasty. I mean he's fine." and I'm like nasty? How is he nasty? And she just said because he fucked people at our school, and I corrected her and said one other person. And that I have a history too, and it doesn't bother me.
Also Tuesday Dan texted me again, saying he misses me, and thinks about me everyday, and wants me back. Like he broke up with me, and like I want to get back with him. What a fucker. I didn't text back, and honestly I hadn't seen him since like a week after our break up and of course, Tuesday I saw him. Oh well. He's only hurting himself. We broke up over a month and a half ago. Which is longer than our relationship was anyways!
And then yesterday I was just not really dealing with crap well, so I texted Kevin... Because I hadn't heard from him in a while. And that was a nice chat...
And then also yesterday Mark texted me... And I went with the "Nothing even happened" way of talking with him. And we might hang out on Saturday night and have a little sleepover... So, I mean, I think balancing Erik and Mark out will make me not really want one of them a lot. But of course I'm still kind of hoping that Erik asks me out, or asks me to be his girlfriend... But at the same time. I still don't know if I want to be in a relationship. Maybe I will find out this weekend. But maybe not.
Other than that.... I texted Erik this morning asking if he thinks we will hang out tonight, and he said that he gets off work at 9:30.. So, that's a yes :) So, I'm super excited.

So, right now, I have a full weekend. So, that's a good thing. And I'm happy. I just hope I don't mess anything up.

My Perfect Saturday Night

So, Saturday around 930, Erik was texting me saying, so I thought that he got off in half an hour and we would figure out something to do tonight.. Andit was like 10:20, and I still hadn't heard from Erik, and I was freaking the fuck out.. I was just thinking bad upon myself. Like no one liked me, even Erik, who I actually really am starting to like a lot, didn't want to hang out with me. And then I went back and re read the texts, and it was an hour and a half until he was off work and I calmed down and laughed at myself for being so paranoid. But Ashli got back from her date, which was apparently not the best. and she got back a little before 11 and I think and Erik was already on his way to get me.
Ashli did come with me to go over there and Josh stay awake and we watched a movie...
Before I got thtere Erik had called me asking if I could get a ride, but I couldn't. The reason he wasn't going to be able to come was because he was low on gas and he gave Josh $20 and he blew it, and so he had $5 until the next day. I told him to come get me and I will pay for gas. He was against it at first, but finally came. Then Ashli came with us and wanted to get food. When we first got in the car, he had said something about, if we see anyone with a cigarette if we could ask for one for him. And so when we stopped at the gas station, Ashli owed me money, so I asked her to get him cigs. And she said she didn't have her ID so I went and grabbed mine. And I knew which cigs he liked and got him a pack of them. And so when we were going to jump in the car these guy didn't know where they were going and asked where some clubs were, and I told them to go to Ybor. And they were on their way. I got in the car and gave him the cigs, and he was just so happy.. I don't know, he was so cute, he was like "Oh my god, you got me cigs?? I think I have a wedding ring in here somewhere." He just grabbed my hand so caringly... I don't know.. He's just so adorable. We got back to his place and started the movie.
Erik and I cuddled on one side of the couch and Ashli and Josh awkwardly sat together on the other side. See Ashli and Josh arn't like Erik and I. Erik and I like each other. And Ashli and Josh are... Fuck buddies. I'm  kind of happy that Ashli can go over there with me. But at the same time, it's not like I feel awkward going over there just being me.
But we watched a movie, Pineapple Express, and then when it was about nearly over Erik was like "Are you tired?" And I was just like "... Isn't it almost over?" and Ashli agreed, and we stayed until t was officially over, 5 minutes later. And we went to bed. I didn't get much sleep that night, I kept tossing and turning, and I felt bad, because I'm pretty sure that kept Erik up too... And he did need sleep, because he wasn't feeling good... And I stayed awake until about 9 a.m. and then fell asleep until about 11:20 a.m. it was so nice. And we woke up and just talked for a bit, or he kind of tried to go back to sleep. We finally got up, because Josh was up and kinda yelled at Erik for turning off the A/C and we went out there and started talking, then Erik wanted to take a shower. He jumped in the shower then you here him shout "Where the fuck is my shampoo?!?!" and Josh just jumped up cracking up and ran to his room and grabbed it, and went and gave it to him. e jumped out and we left to go back home.. Then Ashli asked if we were going to eat, and she meant on campus, and Josh he was like "Oh, can we??" and then Ashli actually said "Well, on campus" and Josh was okay with that and I was surprised and I said "yeah, if you want a bagel, yea you can park and eat with us." So, that's what we did. He parked, and we walked to Vaughn to get food, then went up to our room to eat, and he borrowed my computer to do some homework, and then he left maybe about 45 minutes after being here... And him leaving is what made me the happiest person in the world... Not in a way that I was happy that he was leaving! Just how he left... He left his phone at his place, so we get to his car, and we jump in, and he thanked me for breakfast, and leaned in to give me a kiss. And I don't know why, but just a sweet little peck, it just makes me feel like we could really workout... Then he drove around to the front of the school were he dropped me off, and where he was able to get out okay. I mean he was holding my hand and everything and we were talking, and I thanked him for coming over and getting me, and he said that it was he that should be thanking me, because I got him gas, and that he owes me dinner... And maybe that's why I was so happy, because that would be a date... I'd actually be going on my first like real cute date! I don't know... But then he leans in again and we kissed good bye, and he was like "You better text me!" I don't know why... But that just made me happier too, because he wants to hear from me, and he's not running away... And I just said "Well, I would, but I would but I don't think you'll reply." And he was like "Okay, wait an hour and then text me." and I just thought that was the perfect way to end our little morning together... I'm so happy right now... I'm not with him. I know this. But maybe it is getting to be close to that point... Maybe not. But I'm almost positive we will end up dating, hopefully... Knocking on wood, but I'm just getting excited... I don't know why..
Well, yes I do. I will finally have my first relationship that I will absolutely love from the start again. Just like I did with Kevin. I haven't been excited for an actual relationship in forever... I don't know. But I'm excited.

This is why I need to Stop Caring

Okay, so I refuse to see what Mark posted on his story on Snap chat... But remember that girl that he likes more than me? I'm pretty sure it's a picture of her... I can't be alone right now.. Ashli just left for her date... And Lindsay isn't texting back, and I don't think that Erik want to come here to drive and get me...
My sister kind of wants me to come home... But I just want to go over to Erik's and get drunk... And I was liking Erik more than Mark for a bit! And I should! Honestly have more in common with Erik than anyone Mark, really. Fucking guys. Why is this like this, and I know that Erik likes me and I understand that he doesn't want to drive all the way over here, but I just... I don't know.. I wish he would.

Well then.

So, Sunday and Monday night we went to Erik's and Josh's. And on Monday we actually stayed all night there. I hooked up with Erik of course, Ashli hooked up with Josh, and Lindsay hooked up with Dustin. It kind of worked out... I actually asked Erik if he could text Lindsay and invite us over so we would have a ride there, and he didn't and we left soon after... And bare with me, I mean.. This will be hard because it is Saturday and I have to go through my whole week with you guys...
Monday was still like a little weird between Erik and I, and of course I don't know how to respond or act around him at this point, and it didn't seem like he was getting that close to us... Once we got to their place, I think I first sat down on the couch and only Josh was there for a few minutes. Then Erik came out so I got up to the stools, and he was in the kitchen sitting on the counter, so not even like looks over at me or anything... Then we started to drink and play kings again. I drank a lot more that night than I did the night before. I don't know how it ended up this way my I was on the side of the couch and Erik was in the middle of the couch and Ashli and Josh were sitting next to each other on the floor but not really close to each other: they had a good foot in between them. Then Erik casually put his arm like stretched out on the couch, and when he did, I was already like on the edge of the couch, sitting up so I like gracefully slide back to have him arm behind me and kind of having us just sitting together and cuddling. That was when Erik and I were telling Ashli to make a move, but now that I think about it, we should have been telling Josh to make a move. But then Erik was telling Ashli she should just go and kiss him, and of course Ashlis like "No way" and then Erik and I were talking and he was like let's make it less awkward for them, and comes in to kiss me, and we made out for a few minutes and then I guess Lindsay and her drunk ass was in Erik's room again with Dustin. And Erik got them out, and we went in. We had sex once, then calmed down for a bit and cuddled and kissed some more and talked. Then we eventually went back to making out hard core, and had sex again... We eventually fell asleep a long while later. Then in the morning I went out to the living room to get my phone, and that's when I saw just Dustin and Lindsay on the floor and no sight of Josh and Ashli.
Then I went back to Erik's room and we cuddled for a bit.. And right now on Monday all I thought of Erik was just a fuck. A really really cute fuck. And Ashli texted me saying that she was up, then Lindsay started to wake up and texted asking if we should leave now, and I was telling Erik this, and he told me to say 20 more minutes. And I did. And it was so funny because then we started to make out, and I got on top of him, and he started to take off my shirt, and then I helped him and completely took it off he he said "Thank god you didn't say "We don't have enough time!"" and we both laughed and continued to make out and kind of did a quickie. But that was just a normal time for Dan and I to have sex, in my opinion.
But I guess during that time, Lindsay was texting Ashli saying "OMG they are fucking, and I already heard them last night too." Then we got dressed and went into the living room, and Lindsay was saying that her and Dustin had anal sex. And like everyone flipped shit. Dustin was still asleep though.
Then we headed out... And I drove home because Lindsay was practically blind.
Tuesday night we were texted, Erik and I that is, and I said "Too bad we couldn't make it three days in a row.." and then he was like "I can come and get you" and t was already almost midnight. So, no that didn't happen.
Wednesday Night I had plans to hang out with Mark... And around like 8 Erik texted me asking if I wanted to come over, and I told him I had plans to meet a friend, and he was like okay... And Then I sent mark a snap chat and he saw it a little while later and thirty mins went by and he didn't text or anything and it was getting to be past 9. So I texted him and was like "Hey if you don't want to hang out today, can you just tell me now?" and he was like "Yeah.. Sorry, I had a long/rough day, and I'm just going to do some hw and have a floor meeting." and so I just said "K" and he replied with a fucking sad face and I said "It's fine. Just wish you would have said something earlier." and then he replies with "You're right, that was wrong of me. I'm sorry :/" and I just replied that it was fine... And I still haven't heard from him. I am still deciding how I will talk to him next time he texts me or something. I don't think I should be bitchy, even though I want to sooo fucking bad. And the thing is that I want to be bitchy, probably because, well it's because I started to like him, and that fucking hurt, he wasn't even going to text me!!! Like what fuck face doesn't even text saying "Hey sorry tonight's not a good night!"? Pisses me off so  bad. But I feel like it's supposed to such a minor thing, because it's not even like we are talking to each other, we are like semi friends with benefits. And if I blow off on him, then he probably will think "Why is she blowing this thing up, it wasn't that big of a deal" and I feel like I should just get over myself and say that I'm over it, and that I made other plans, only because I texted him that time, and if I waited any fucking longer I wouldn't of had plans. And wouldn't have been just sitting in my room all sad and alone.
But I did text Erik back asking if it were too late, and he said no, and that he would come get me in 15 minutes. So, He came about an hour later, and I honestly thought it was just going to be us two. But when I got there Dustin and Josh was there, which isn't a problem. They started to talk and I just heard Dustin say that "She was joking" and Josh was like "No she wasn't, Josee tell him!" And I was like "What?" and the conversation of Lindsay came up and I was like "Didn't you butt fuck her?" And he was like "No! She's kidding!" And I was like "No. She's dead serious, she thinks that you butt fucked her." And he was like "Well, apparently she doesn't know the difference between her butt and vagina. We did doggie, and I guess that why she was so confused, because I told her to turn over, and she was like what? And I told her to get on her knees, and she was again like "what?" and I just grab her and put her into the position. I guess she really was a virgin." Thus came up to Lindsay not being butt fucked two days ago... And I started to text her that or whatever and she got confused and was saying it was def her ass, and I was like "well he swears its not" and I was done with the convo and said by.
But then they left and Erik went to smoke out of their boiler. And he asked if I wanted to, and I said no. Because I really don't like to smoke and then fuck. And he died laughing. And we didn't even sit together or anything, we sat on opposite sides of the couch, and we just chat and talked, while he was smoking. Then the guys came back, and they brought some movies with them. And then they put on "The last hour" and it was like the worst movie ever made. And Erik fell asleep in the middle of it. Maybe even before the 1st 3rd of it. And then he woke up in like the last 45 minutes of it and was like "Are you tired?" and I wasn't so I said no. And he was like "Oh. You're not?" And I joked with him and was like "I'm exhausted" and then he asked if I was interested in the movie, and I said yes, it's so fascinating. And they I laughed and said no.  We went into his room to call it a night. We fucked of course. Now this night... This night I realized I was starting to like him. And of course it's only been like a week since we started to "talk"? We were talking afterwards, about "Wiener dogs" and he was like "what are they called?" and was saying a non-existent word. And I was like "The proper term, would be Dachshund." and just his look he gave me, it was so hot... and he grabbed me and was like "The proper term, huh?" and we started to make out. He told me that correcting him like that had turned him on so much. But we didn't have sex, honestly I don't think I could handle that much more. But it was just... I don't know.. I just loved that look that he gave me... I don't know.. I guess it turned me on too.. But he was exhausted too, and he was falling asleep, and I asked him if he had any glasses, and he said "Fuck no" and I was like "No, I mean like cups, I'm thirsty" and he said while rolling over "No I think those actors don't belong in that movie" and then went to the corner of the bed.. And passed out. It was so cute. I got up.. And earlier he had given me one of his shirts to wear.. Which I love... Oh, my goodness. I just love wearing a guys T-shirt. And I mean I have only really worn Dan's Jacket. And I don't know. But I just like it. So I put on some pants, and went out to the living room, kinda slowly, only because I didn't want to wake up Erik. And I just hear Josh say "Come on out..." And I popped my head out and asked if they and any cups and he just looks at me, and Dustin's like "Don't look at me, I don't live here" And they had some gas station cups that were empty on their table so I grabbed one, and rinsed it out and filled it with water. Then I went back to the room, and when I did Josh was rolling a blunt. And I went to go to sleep but I was just wide asleep. I don't know why. So, Like not even three minutes later I went back out and asked Josh if I could smoke with them. And he was like "Sure". so I smoked and they started watching We're the Millers. And I love that movie, but all of a sudden I got really light headed and said thank you to Josh and good night to the both of them and passed out next to Erik...
The next morning we woke up.. And we said good morning, and I told him about his crazy sleep talking, and he was like "I don't remember saying that." And we laughed. And normally when I cuddle, I like to put my head on the guys chest and have my leg on his and have my hand on his chest, because I like petting his chest with my thumb... I know it's weird, but it's how I am. And sometimes, I get uncomfortable and we eventually stop cuddling, and it's more comfy for me to face away from him, because it's my normal side of sleeping on. But he came up behind me and we spooned, I would have never expected him to do that, but it was a nice surprise... I don't know...
Then Thursday Ashli and I went there and we watched Thor 2, Josh had fallen asleep before Ashli even got there, and I felt bad, and I actually fallen asleep during it, And I guess at the end Erik woke me up. And we went to his room and Ashli stayed and slept on the couch. But we didn't have sex that night or the next morning. And that because he was sick, and I was also sick, because of him. I mean we kissed a little, but no clothes were removed, which was fine. It was nice. And I wasn't feeling well either, so it wasn't like I was really horny and wasn't getting what I wanted. And that night Ashli was on the couch, so I'm happy he didn't want to do anything because I would feel really bad if she like started to hear us while she was trying to sleep...  We just cuddled for the most part, and then around 6 there was people screaming outside, so we woke up, and he spooned me again, and was like "I'm sorry, that this wasn't worth it." and then "You can tell me if it wasn't, I won't start crying." and I just said "It is worth it, I like hanging out with you" and he said that he liked hanging out with me too... And we went back to sleep for a little bit.
He ended up going to like a job interview and they wanted him to start right then, so we took a cab home. Which was fine. But I really haven't heard from him since yesterday morning... I'm hoping that he doesn't have to work on Sunday's and that he'll invite us over, even though Ashli has a little date planned with Alex. But I still would like to see Erik..

I don't know. Wish me luck. I'm trying not to get too attached, because normally that just gets me hurt.

Damn...

So, I might be a slut... I don't think I am... But I might be. But Saturday night, I had Mark over, because I kind of like Mark... And he just got back from his Spring Break in Myrtle Beach, and we kind of started to talk about having a sleepover... And so, we did. And it was actually really fun.. At first a little awkward, because Callie walked in right after Mark walked in. But she didn't walk in on us while we were doing anything, I mean he just got in the room, and we were just talking at that point. And it was fine, but Callie stayed in there for sooo long... Maybe like over an hour. And it was fine, wasn't that big of a deal, I did steal one kiss while she was there towards the end before she left. And of course after she left, we started to make out... And maybe this is because we had more time to actually fool around this time... But he didn't just automatically take off his clothes, like he practically did the last time I hung out with him... And the thing is, and I hope he didn't mind this, we were talking throughout it... He barely makes any eye contact.. So, at one point in time, I was like "Mark, look at me." and he did, and he was like "What am I looking for?" And awkwardly,  I was just like "Nothing... Just eye contact is more attractive." and then he was like "Oh, I keep forgetting.. I need to work on that." And so it wasn't even me like picking on him, but I do like it when he looks at me, because he's so adorable, and I feel so impersonal when he doesn't look at me. But when he does... I don't know... Makes it more personal... Makes it more real... And the thing is I like Mark... I'm not head over heals. or anything, but I do like him... And it's funny. I know for a fact that he thinks that I am just going to try to push him to have sex... And he think that once he says no so many times, he thinks that I will just stop talking to him, or how Mark and I are saying is "Be done with each other." I don't know... I don't think I will get tired of him, unless Mark starts just being weird... But that won't be because he won't have sex! I am okay with not having sex with him! The funny thing though, is that I think we are both trying to please each other. Because (warning inappropriate about to be said, and may be brought up again throughout this post) he ate me out, which was nice... I don't really get the point of being eaten out quite yet... But the two guys who ate me out, just didn't do much about it, or during it? I don't know. At least Mark stayed down there for a while, and I actually just decided to stop him. and start making out, because I was thinking that it could be his turn, and especially that it didn't do much for me, and the longer he would be down there would be the same time that I should be down there for him. So, I kind of switch are position, so I could make out on top of him, and then make my way down, just as he did. And I got completely on top, and asked him to get in the middle, because I would have fallen if we stay in this position. So, he doesn't move over and like leads me down and was like "Josee, noo..."  and I was just like thinking "What the fuck? Who is this kid? What guy turns down a blow job?? Is he really this much of a virgin??" But I was actually like "But you just..?" and He was like "Hm? What?" and I didn't say anything at first, and then I was just like "Well, normally, if you do that for me... Normally, the favor gets returned..." and he's like "You're not talking about sex..?" and I just started laughing, and I was like "No, I would ask you before I would try to do that!"
And he stopped being so tense, and was like ok, go head, so, when I was positioning myself back on top of him, I was like "I promise, I won't rape you." and he laughed and was like "Don't rape me, Josee!"
So, then I gave him a long blow job, long for me doing it anyways, and then I stopped and we started making out and I resorted to just a hand job. And while making out we were talking, and he was like "You don't want me to come into your mouth, right?" and I said yes, because that shit is gross. And honestly, I kind of thought he wasn't like this... He was a man-whore when he was in middle and high-school. Which I wouldn't really expect from him. But I guess it's true, and he said that he got his first blowjob was from a junior in high-school, while he was in 8th grade! Like holey fuck! I don't know... After he did came, then I got tissues, and we cleaned ourselves up. And started to talk... And the Television was on during the whole time, so we just kind of laid there and cuddled and watched TV, and then talked for a bit.. I mean, we talked a lot.. And kissed in between... And during it he casually brought up if I had ever kissed a girl before, and I have, so I said yes. And I don't care if people know that. My first kiss was with a girl. I don't care, as long as you don't start accusing me of being gay, I could really give two shits about what you think. And I asked him, why he thought to ask that, and he said he likes to see the reaction, and some girls are like "Never!" or other are chill and is like "yeah", like me.
We went to sleep, and we were all cuddly together when we went to sleep... That's honestly the only thing I feel like I miss in a relationship... Is just the cuddling... I miss having someones hand to hold.. And at some point I didn't know if it would be okay if I held his hand... If that was too "serious getting" or whatever. But we did start holding hands... And the thing is, I had a really nice time that night. I honestly don't think "Damn it! Why didn't we fuck??" I honestly didn't...
He calls me "Joseebell" sometimes, because of my username of like everything that I own, like Twitter, Instagram, ect. So, he called me a few time Joseebell, and then he asked me if it was okay, and I actually kind of liked it... And I told him that.. But Joseebell is something my mom calls me... And I don't know... It's comforting if he calls me that... So, at like 3 we woke up and twisted and turned and he was like "Can I use your bathroom?" and I just laughed and said yes, the door was locked, so I helped him unlock it.
The cute thing of this was after he came and we kind of chilled for a bit, he put on his pants, so I asked if I could put on clothes. And of course he said yes. So, I wore a big t-shirt, nothing too special, not a cute shirt, but only covers my ass a little. And then of course I had a thong on while we were messing around so I put on regular panties on, and I luckily grabbed my cheetah print and they are adorable and make my ass spectacular looking. And thank the lord Mark is a guy who likes butts, because that's what I have. My boobs are a nice size and everything, but they are far from big. And he commented multiple times on it and was just like "That ass!" and honestly, of course, I love when he does that.
And Sunday I had to pick up my roommate from the airport, but I don't have a car, so my mom came to pick me up and then head over there. So, Mark knew this, and at like 11:20 he was saying that he should go, and of course I was like "Noo.." But he was saying this for 20 minutes now. And my mom had texted me saying she was on her way... And between my noo's, I was also saying I needed to get ready... And we finally got out of bed and I looked in the mirror and I looked pretty awful. So, I started telling myself, "God, I need to comb my hair, egh do my makeup..." And Mark is like "You don't even need makeup." And he leaves a little later and I get ready really quick, and my mom texted that she was there.. And I ran downstairs, and shes like "So, did you go out last night?" and I told her the truth, No. and she was like "You look... Rough." So, I texted Mark and I sent him the message: "My mom said I looked 'rough', Thank you, Mark."
And something we also talked about was that I didn't think he would be like he was. He though when he saw me that I was this quiet girl, who really didn't go out at all and this was my first time drinking and everything. He thought wrong. And I thought wrong about him. But he gave me reasons to think wrong. I mean after our first night together he was texting me and he said "You're so much fun!" "I'm so glad I met you!" "So, any regrets, or no?" Especially that last one, but I was freaked out and thought that he was going to become clingy and want to be bf/gf. which wasn't the case... Plus he is a virgin, so I really didn't think that he would eat me out, like ever.. But I don't know why... But I just get a good feeling from him.
And I told him this, and kind of made fun of him and was like "Who asks any regrets??" and he was like "Yeah, I guess in our situation it was a bit weird... and worrisome." So, I think our inside joke now is going to be "Any regrets?" which I think is cute.
Saturday night he was also texting this girl, Sarah, and he would never get with her, and I honestly not worried about her and him, because they are friends, and she was in her room, and saying that he should come back, and I was telling him no, and that he wasn't allowed to just leave, and he was saying that he wouldn't, and she'll be fine... And then in the morning, he saw his text messages, at 3 am she texted him saying "Can't wait for your walk of shame!" and he texted back in the morning saying "lol" and she responded "K" and he was like : "she pissed..." and the last time Mark and I hung out she asked him if he would want to get lunch, and he said, no hanging out with Josee... So, yeah... Sarah and I are friends though! We are, she likes me as a person, I like her as a person.
So, last night Lindsay texted me asking if I wanted to come and drink at the guys house that we have been to twice now. (well three times now) and I said sure, if Ashli can go, and she said of course to Ashli coming. So, I went to her room and then we went back to mine, because I was helping her apply to HOST. And then we were waiting for Sarah to come back with Lindsay's car. And we waited for a while then we finally go down to meet Sarah and when she pulled up, she was happy to see me, then pissed. And she started yelling, jokingly of course, but yelling at me saying how she was in Marks room alone watching TV all night, waiting for him to come back. And I told her that we had those plans for a couple days... And then when she realized that we are going over to Josh's and Erik's apartment, she was like: HER EXACT WORDS: "No one go for Erik! He's mine! Well, you can go for him, I'll just have him next."
Yeah... So we get to their apartment and start drinking immediately. and then we played Kings. It was a lot of fun. And then I wanted to sit on the couch when we were done playing so I asked Erik if I could sit next to him. And I'm not sure if I said this in a later post, about how Erik was saying that I was adorable and so polite when I talk. And I did ask him in this way: "May I sit here?" and He was like "Yes, that's so cute, may I? Aww.." Or whatever it was he said was along those lines. That was me making my effort of getting with him. Sitting next to him, he should be able to figure out the rest, right? No it took him about all night... But we switched places on the couch, and I ended up on the other end and Ashli at one point was siting next to me, then there was a spot empty next to me, so Erik came and sat next to me, and we started talking, I'm not sure about all the details, because I was a little tipsy, but he asked for my phone to put on a song on youtube, then asked if I knew this one guy, who he brought up on youtube as well, and he pulled it up, and this guy comes up to girls and says: "Can I ask you three questions? Do you have a boyfriend? Do you find me attractive? What would be your excuse right now not to kiss me?" and he was getting somewhere with it. And the video was still going and he stopped talking about it... He was starting to let it go, so I brought it up again, and was like "haha so are you like him?" and he just repeats what the guys lines are and he said "So, what would your excuse be, for not kissing me?" and I said there would be one, and he was like "No?" and kissed me, and we sat there and made out for maybe 5 minutes, and I heard Lindsay taking pictures, and Just how everyone was like "Oooh..." And then we stopped kissing, and Lindsay of course was in his room. And he was like "Should we get them out of my room?" and he went got her out and actually pretty smoothly got me to stand up and go into his room, and l at the door, and then he got her out and locked the door... And... Yeah... He said I was a good kisser, and that I felt good... So... That's practically all I really need to say... I think that was the first time that I didn't just like give up during it and say that I was tired. Although I really didn't get tired out... After we were done we laid there for a good two minutes with Lindsay pounding on the door for something. And then we finally got dressed and walked out. And the funniest thing about it was when they both, like Ashli and Lindsay, were just like "What did you do??" But I don't think I answered them really... Then Lindsay was getting out of hand and I was practically sobered up. And Erik said if we ended up staying that we could do round two, but I said we were probably going to go home. He patted my head and went to his room. I asked Lindsay if she was ready, and then he headed out... We got in the car and drove home, Lindsay texted me after we got in our rooms and said she saw Sarah and was asking questions, and I found out today that Lindsay is a bad liar so she told Sarah. Which is whatever... As long as Sarah doesn't kill me...
Erik texted me this morning saying that I looked upset about something last night before I left and was wondering if I was okay.. I wasn't upset last night to my knowledge. If I was, then it would be like at Lindsay. And I just texted him back: "Nothing is wrong?" And then he texted: "Oh, Dustin said you left upset about something. I was just checking." I thought that was nice... I would think that girls, I can't say about guys, but girls, if they see that's there's something wrong, and they say something they just kind of panic more than anything else... So, I just replied to him and told him I was fine, but thanks for checking.

And tonight we are going to a club, 912, and Erik then asked me if I was going. And I told him we were planning on it. and asked if he was, and now they are saying that they might be, because of their group vote and I asked him what side he was on, and he said he didn't care and that he'd just rather stay home and get drunk, and that it is too expensive to go out.
Honestly, I rather them not go. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. I'm not sure...

Figuring it out

All I want right now is to be home. Now you may think "what a dork,

She wants to go home and cry to her mommy and daddy." No. I am actually at my parents house right now. And all I want to to go back to my dorm, which is home, for me... My grandparents are here and with all four forces making me go insane... I want to leave. As soon as possible. I believe I have dealt with this for way too long! 

I just want to go to school, and have a nice night with Mark... Yeah.. I've talked to Mark, and my cute little date will kinda play out... Idk what technically we are going to do. But be lazy together might be one of them... Maybe we won't even go to my room! Maybe just stay in his. The only reason that I would want to do mine is because no one will be there... But idk.. We will see... 

I just want to get to school already... 

Help me 

Well... Back at this Again, are we?

GREAT. So, if I am correct, the last time I posted, I had the best sex of my life with John. Which is very true...
Well, John and I are only awkward to each other  now... And so that fuck buddies in the gutter...
Kinda about to start another fuck buddy relationship... But this one probably won't run away, because he's not out of my league like John was... And that means that John is way too hot for a girl like me... So, I should just be happy I got with him the two times that I did... This other guy, Justin, he's questionable... I don't know. I smoked my first dab... and yea... then I had sex with him... and I honestly hated it... Hated having sex with him. But it was more of a comfort thing than anything else.
So, yeah...
Then, that same weekend John and I had hooked up, I hooked up with a guy named Mark. Now we didn't have sex or anything, Mark is actually a virgin. And at first I was a little worried about Mark getting too attached to me... But that's not the case... Actually my friend Lindsay have fucking dinner with him the other night and he said that he likes some other girl more than me... And it's because he hasn't gotten with her, so she the "hard to get girl" or whatever "the challenge"... So, I was actually just getting really fond of Mark...
I actually thought of a cute little thing for Friday night... Because one of my roommates she is going to Maine, well she left for Maine, today. And then my other roommate is normally not there for weekends. So, I thought I could invite Mark to stay for Friday night... And maybe we could go and smoke together and then come back, and I have coco puffs... and he likes coco puffs... so I thought we could munch on those while we cuddle... And I honestly don't even WANT to have sex with him...Not this soon, not really... I kind of like that we are not having sex... It's a nice change...
He told Lindsay that he thought that I am going to end up to keep asking him for sex, and then eventually give up and move on... But the thing is, Tuesday afternoon he invited me over to hang out when everyone was in class. And of course we were making out and stuff.. but he removed his own fucking clothes!!! I was completely dressed still when he only had on his boxers!!! The only thing that came off of me was my shirt, and he did that too!! I just don't understand... And then Monday he texted me saying that he wish I was in bed with him... I don't know... Guys say that girls are confusing. I beg to differ. I think guys are confusing!! He started to snapping me tonight... and he even started out with "Joseeeee" so it's not like he sent this snap to anyone else!!! Sure, he may have been snapping someone else... But still... I don't know... I told him to go to bed, and he said he wanted to talk to me... And I mean, he likes me... But he likes this other girl more... And I want to prove him wrong! I want him to fucking beg for sex and me still not have sex with him!
But I guess, in order to do that, I would have to keep on trying... And I have just been wondering if I should even try or not... And I am, I already know... But I was even starting to think tonight that I could do this of no Mark thing.. Then he snapped me -.- I don't even know why I like him!!! He's so weird!! But he's adorable... Adorably weird, maybe?? But I don't know... I just like something about him... Maybe I like him because he likes someone else. Who fucking knows. But I will not give up this fight... I am going back on campus Sunday... And maybe I'll see him. Maybe I'll see Justin. I don't know. But the reason that I want to go fuck Justin again, is because after John and I, I was over everyone I had ever liked. Not that I started to like John. Which is weird... But I just liked not liking anyone. Which lasted about a week and a half -.-
Oh well... Now to normal life. I am back home.... I have a new puppy! He's not as cute as my other dog... But he's growing on me... And he's sleeping right next to me, and it's pretty freaking adorable. And then I hear that my father not only wants a new puppy but a baby. He wants to adopt a baby boy. What the FUCK is he thinking?!?!?!? He didn't even raise Haley and I!! I don't think he could even raise a human being! But he always wanted a baby boy. I really hope that my mother doesn't give in to this crazy shit. These are his midlife crisis: Motorcycle, puppy, now a baby. 0.0 What would I do if they had a baby? Yeah... That poor baby will know nothing about me. Other than I left that house when he was 4 and never came back.
I don't know really what else to say... I mean I met a guy off a Tinder...and he was just super short... But I actually really liked this guy. But that's way too late... he is soooo much shorter than me. It sucks... Now I am texting Kevin, because Kevin had lunch with me Tuesday... And I think it was nice to see him... At least for the first part... I know Kevin still loves me... And maybe a part of me loves him still. But I don't feel it anymore...
I don't feel any different loosing my virginity. It wasn't that big of a deal... And maybe I just think too much into these things... But maybe I shouldn't see Mark this week... Maybe he will end up liking me more. Or end up liking me less. I don't know. But all I know is that I do want to end up winning. And not with a broken heart... Again. So, hopefully this will go well.

Finally Free

I am free.

So, the 11th of February I broke up with Dan. Two days before his birthday. Three days before Valentines Day.

I know you already know this part of the story. However, as the story goes on, throughout my blog, some details of my sex life does come up. If you are uncomfortable, please don't read it, or stop reading when it gets to that point. Good luck.

Dan texted me yesterday. Saying: "I;m sorry things got so messed up between us. I miss you."

And to that I said: Nothing. I decided not to give in an text him. The thing was, I was going to text him back. Be like "What are you hoping to achieve out of this? I know you miss the sex, but I don't care." Honestly, I am so happy that I didn't respond. I don't know what he's thinking. I don't care.

Last night though... We went out to a club. We meaning: Ashli, my new friend Lindsay, and some of her friends. We honestly waited forever to get alcohol from my other roommate. Then we quickly did shots and took a water bottle on the go. 

I went up to two different guys, practically got rejected by both of them. Well, kind of. The first guy was like "I don't dance." So I asked him if he kisses. And he kissed me and he like "That enough?" And I smiled and said no, so we started to kiss again. Then some bitch comes up and is like "No, no, no. Sorry he's hooking up with our friend, so it's not okay." Then between that and the second guy I asked to dance with, I saw my ghost. Spencer. Honestly thought I was over him. And maybe I am. I thought I was, because yesterday I thought about it and thought if he came up to me and tried to kiss me, I would back away, and just look at him like he's crazy. But when I saw him at the club, I was kind of hoping that he would ask me to dance. I mean we danced in the circle, and honestly I tried to find another guy as soon as I saw Spencer. So, there was another guy that I saw. So, I went up and he actually said yes. And he started dancing, and then his friend, or brother from his frat came up and then he was like "I'll be right back stay here." And kissed me on the cheek. And his friend even tried to start dancing with me, and I declined. And went back to my group. Then Ashli found Kosta's, an international student. And they started dancing, and they stopped and eventually again. Between that I was going to a certain spot on the dance floor and bumped into a cute guy. And I was hoping he'd ask to dance, and he tried to let us go first, but we were where we wanted to be. And then he vanished. And then Ashli and Kosta's started to dance, and Kosta's friend, John, was there and talking to a worker or something and Ashli has said before that she thought he was hot, which he really is. 

So, I asked her if it was okay if I were to dance with him, and she said sure. So, I asked, and he said yes. 

Honestly I knew who John was from a party we both went to a couple weeks back. However, I asked him for his name anyhow. I knew some details about him. Nothing too major.So, once we started dancing, the cute guy who ran into me and vanished came back from thin air, and started dancing in front of me, while I had John behind me. That was weird, and I politely said "sorry no"  So, he left, and John and I started dancing, and then we started to make out. And my god. I wouldn't say that he was an awful kisser, he just had a lot of control, and a different way of kissing than I'm used to... But I've been kissing the worst kisser ever for the past two months, so I was down for a hot guy to kiss. And we were talking while dancing, like where we live and stuff like that. He asked if I wanted to leave soon, and I told him that we'll see, then I asked Ashli if I could go with him, because he lived off campus. And honestly, I would never do this with a guy I just met. But he's part of the group I want to be part of. So, not that big of a deal. We had simple talk for a bit while in the cab and when we first got to his place. Nice little apartment. And went to his room and started to get busy.

The funny thing though is that he said as we came into the room that he was so tired. and it's probably 1:45 a.m. at this point. But we did start to get busy. He took of my shirt and bra, then his shirt came off. Then his phone started to ring, while trying to take off my difficult pants. I asked if he wanted to get the phone and he said it was no one important, and he knew who it was, but he did get up. He checked the phone then went to his little dresser to grab a condom, after I had gotten undressed, and he did the same. Came back and finished what we started. I'm not sure how long we lasted, but he slipped out and then we tried to slid it back it, however I think we was going soft at that point, and he had told me that he had came, if I had. So we laid down for a bit, and I asked him if he wanted to clean up, and he said yes, and did so.

Came back and actually was saying how tired he was, but then went back to making out with me. He came down and ate me out... Which was fine. Right at this point, I didn't get the complete thrill of getting eaten out for the first time. I guess it was nice. But when Kevin first fingered me all I could think was "stop". So, maybe next time will be better. It's crazy, I didn't even think that he would have done that, and when we went for a second time around and it wasn't working, because I was really dry. Thank god no one ever reads this. So, I asked him if I could try something, and I gave him a blowjob, which is actually so much fucking easier to do with a condom!!! Just saying! And then he it got to the point where we were getting tired, and he didn't think that he would be able to come again. And we relaxed for a bit, and he had again cleaned up. And it was actually really nice just snuggling with him and he has his hands all up and down my body... And then he started to kiss me again, and he was like "Gosh we're animals tonight." And I'm not sure if I was even egging it on. But I was happy with what we were doing. However, I did ask him if he wanted to go to sleep, and he said he couldn't with me next to him. After some more fooling around, I don't really think we tried having sex again at that point, we had settled down, again. and maybe ten minutes after we were just talking. And he's actually really nice to talk to. Now, I wouldn't say that I like him, at least as a crush, at this point or anything, which I hope I don't ever, because he doesn't want a relationship. And neither do I really, but I would like someone to fool around with, and if he's hot, all the better. And back to the ten minutes of talking, I went and grabbed for his balls and started to message them? Play with them? I'm not sure how you would correctly term that. But that what I did, and he did enjoy it. And I'm not sure why guys do this, but sometimes, when a girl, at least me, starts giving you a blow job, or rubbing your balls, you can just lay there and enjoy it, you don't have to worry about me. But he did, but I did say that I was fine, and just working with you right now. Then he asked me if I could give him a hand job while playing with his balls, and I did manage to do this... In a way.

Really quick: you know how people say it impossible to rub your belly and tap your head? Rubbing the balls while giving a hand job is actually a lot like this. In the hard aspect of it, no pun intended. ;p

So, he thought if I did this, it would help him come, and he was saying throughout the second round, that it would be so much easier to go to sleep if he just comes again. During this, I gave him blow jobs, and did intervals of the two. (Hand and blow jobs, that its, while still holding the balls.) And I did ask him not to come into my mouth, and he said he would never and think it's disrespectful. Which is such a relief to hear.

And I'm not sure if I said this before, but I am never swallowing ever again. And if you're a girl, never swallow. Ever. It's awful. 

And he did explode, and it went everywhere, and I told him that he was a little messy, in a cute funny way. And he said sorry and that I should just wipe it on the sheets. However we were going to sleep in those sheets, so I'm not sure why he would want that. But I had gotten up and went to the restroom to clean off, because some got into my hair.

We talked some more while falling asleep, and I had said something about being a fuck buddy and he had said that would be nice, in so many words. It was funny though because throughout the night he had said he needs to get lube, for these situation of the dry spots, and that the condoms should be more lubricated, and just soaked. And when this fuck buddy business had came up, he was like "I'm getting Lube tomorrow!" and I laughed. And honestly, I don't regret it at all. Ashli didn't like her one night stand type deal, but that was different, because he was a complete stranger, mines not. Not really at least.

And I just hope that he does decide to text me, when he wants to get together again. It would be really nice...

When we woke up in the morning, maybe with only a couple hours of sleep, we started again, and my goodness it hurt, but in the best way possible, and i was on top, then we switched to doggie, and it felt so good... I nearly collapsed when we were done.

I always saw in the movies, like people right after they have sex, and they are breathing hard, and I never understood it. But I had that experience last night. And it was amazing... And his kissing did improve in the morning. However, my lips still kind of hurt from him biting them so hard last night.

But I believe that he is a gentlemen, around noon he had to go back to campus, and honestly I wanted to go back. So, he had a car and we walked down, and his car wasn't there, and he remembered, that he had left it on campus. His first thing saying was "It's like a 10 minute walk, and we could wait for a cab, but..." and I butted in and said I was fine with walking, because I was. Honestly wasn't that big of a deal. At the end of our walk of shame and me in my club attire walking down a busy road for 10 or 15 minutes, he asked me for my number, which I hope he will use.

Before I end my story, I would like to bring up a few things that he had mentioned. First, he said that my legs were really smooth, and asked if I shaved, and honestly I did, and thank god I did. But he said "some girls just have prickles, but no, not you." and told me how much of a turn off it is. He started rubbing my stomach at one point and asked if I worked out, which is a no, I do not workout. I told him that I do yoga. But it's not like that should keep me skinny. He had called me sexy, many times. Which isn't a compliment I normally get, so that was kind of surprising. 

So, there you go. My story of the night. of which I'm so happy I didn't text Dan back. I got rejected by two guys, but then found out the 3rd one is the charm. And honestly I had such a great night.