I feel this is what I need to do...

I need to write. Wrote out everything I'm feeling. Everything I'm thinking. Right now I am confused... But at the same time understanding? I miss Kevin, of course I miss Kevin. He is my first true love. My only love I have ever even had. But we grew apart. And I'm now excepting that... I guess... I know that me and Kevin could never be truly be happy together in a marriage... I care about him... But it's because of our past. Everything that we did together.. I love him, I loved who we were together... For the first year that we were together, that is... Then after a year and a half it got iffy... Why? Why did it get iffy? Why did I lose our love and connection?!? Kevin said that he would have changed.. Should I have tried??? Because right now I love him... But if I were to text him and talk to him I would understand why I left him...

Then again, I'm with Dan. I hate being with him, most of the time. But he honestly is all about sex.. And weed.. But mostly sex... Why does he do this? Honestly I don't know how much longer I can take of it.. Kevin never made me do anything I didn't want to... I miss Kevin because of that... I feel like Dan is going to cry when I break up with him... Why do I have this pit in my stomach like I wish valentines day was with Kevin this year? Dan is talking about going to a sushi place.. And that just doesn't help.. Kevin and I went to sushi last year for valentines day... And that's when I was still happy I think.. And I wish I could go back, but I feel like that wouldn't change anything. I think I'm having that moment of "who am I?" 5 years late... I'm having a college midlife crisis. And I don't care. I am actually feeling a lot better and I'm going to go to bed. I wish I could free myself and just be me for a bit... Maybe I should try to do that once and a while...