There were lots of times that I thought about those words when I was with Dan. And this definitely does not mean that I loved Dan. Not for a second would I even consider those results. But... Just some moments were good with Dan... But I didn't like him. I didn't even LIKE him. I mean in one of my earlier blogs when I talked about why I wanted to break up with Kevin is that I said that I didn't want to kiss him anymore. I have no idea what I meant I don't remember wondering about when Kevin and I would stop kissing. I honestly can say there was one day that I enjoyed that was kissing Dan. One. And I was really drunk and I was telling him about my first kisses and how I was an awful kisser before Kevin.. Maybe that's why Kevin means so much to me... He really did love me... For me... He probably would take me back right now. And I don't deserve that.
I'm a terrible person. I'm a terrible person for even considering texting Kevin right now and telling him how much I miss him and wonder how we could have tried to change things. I'm a horrible horrible person.
Lately for some reason I have not been cuddling with my usually sleeping penguin at night, Waffles. I have been sleeping with Ed... The one Kevin gave to me for our first Christmas.. I love that penguin... Somehow, in the beggining of the year I remembered that I didn't even want to see him anymore... I was done with Kevin and I didn't want to be reminded of him... But... I have been sleeping with Ed more often... Now I don't know if it's because Waffles is too small to meet my cuddling standards... Or if it's my heart telling me this the closest your ever going to get to being with Kevin... Which is fine.
Honestly, I'll be fine. Maybe I'll text Kevin. And then I'll remember and think "we are at a good place as we are" and then I'll remember what a dick Dan is.
That's another thing... I blame Dan for our break up. Sure it's my fault that I never really liked the guy. But he's the one who treated me like shit.. At least Kevin, for the most part, didn't treat me like shit. And when it started to happen it was after two years!!! Not two months! And I told Kevin that our break up was my fault not his. At all! And he refuses and still says it's his fault... But it's not... It's true fully mine... I told Dan that it was his fault and he's like "I don't accept that"
Whatever Dan. Guess what? No one cares!
I couldn't think that I had much more to say on the topic of Dan and Kevin. But apparently I have a lot to say.
I should add one more... I do kinda wish Kevin and I had sex... There was one day.. And I should have taken it... I shouldn't have cared and knew that there'd be no chance as long as he didn't come inside of me. But I honestly didn't know better. I just wish Kevin and I would of had sex... I honestly believe that would have kept us together.
Or maybe meeting spencer would have made it official and the same thing would have happened. But I just would like to think maybe if we were just a really strong couple no matter who I'd meet... I would always know that Kevin was my love. My life. I wish I could tell him this all now. I wish he could read this blog and see what a birch I am and see how much I love him. And if he were to read this and still think he loved me. I'd know that I had to try to make it work. Because I couldn't just throw away a perfect love like us.
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