Maybe I lied

I can see that Kevin may have moved on. But I know in my heart that he would do anything for me. To be with me... If I had the same feeling for him, that's when I would be positively sure that we should be together... I know that if I ever were to try to be with Kevin again in a day I would go back to my normal life and wonder if I made the right choice and that I didn't.. And I'd have to break his heart all over again... I loved Kevin. With all my heart. I know that I did. But I also wasn't happy. For what ever reason, I wasn't. And why would I want to continue being unhappy? Just so I'm not alone? That why I stuck with Dan right? That's why I stayed with Kevin for so long... He had even said he was surprised of how long I stayed with him... I wish that I could just tell him that I love him and always will, and that he will forever be my first true love.. But I can't. Because then he would say : then why aren't we together? And I don't even know if I have an answer for it. All I know is that I am happy I'm single. Or at least away from this thing of Dan.. Ryan started calling us "Dosee" a few months ago... It reminded me of a crush I once had, Michael, he called me Dosee... I hated that name. And now I have more of a reason to hate that name. Now I know that I can't date anyone else with the first name starting of D. Haha

Now Ryan was told by Dan that when we broke up: we were laughing together and then I just got up and said I was done. Like: wtf? Oh well, whatever floats his boat. That little fucker means literally nothing to me. Honestly more heart broken I don't have Kevin right now than him. At least I used to love Kevin's kisses... I always hated Dans. 

Another thing: Ryan asked me if I was talking to Rory. And honestly I don't think I want to. I don't even know what I want right now. Maybe I just want to be able to have fun? I don't even want random hook ups or fuck buddy and definitely not a boyfriend. Maybe once I find a really nice and cute guy. Then I'll try to hook onto him. This weekend will be my recovery weekend. And next weekend will be my fun weekend.

I want it known that I don't have any thought of going back with Dan. At all. The only thought I have is that I'm a bitch for doing it two days before his birthday and a day before valentines day... And now.. What do I have to show for it? Being a bitch. But I will be called a bitch any day over being called Dan's girlfriend.