Guess what?

I am going to just be me, for a while that is... I think I might go home this weekend... I think I am going to go home and hang out with Brittany. That sounds like a pretty awesome time. I finally broke things off with Dan and maybe it was the worst way possible to do it... But I am still thinking how I could have done things differently with Kevin... Part of the reason was I didn't want to come home a lot.. Would that be so bad though now? I want to be with him but I can't. I can't let myself want that or go back to him. I love him, but we weren't meant to be... I think he has moved on and now I need to too.

I feel this is what I need to do...

I need to write. Wrote out everything I'm feeling. Everything I'm thinking. Right now I am confused... But at the same time understanding? I miss Kevin, of course I miss Kevin. He is my first true love. My only love I have ever even had. But we grew apart. And I'm now excepting that... I guess... I know that me and Kevin could never be truly be happy together in a marriage... I care about him... But it's because of our past. Everything that we did together.. I love him, I loved who we were together... For the first year that we were together, that is... Then after a year and a half it got iffy... Why? Why did it get iffy? Why did I lose our love and connection?!? Kevin said that he would have changed.. Should I have tried??? Because right now I love him... But if I were to text him and talk to him I would understand why I left him...

Then again, I'm with Dan. I hate being with him, most of the time. But he honestly is all about sex.. And weed.. But mostly sex... Why does he do this? Honestly I don't know how much longer I can take of it.. Kevin never made me do anything I didn't want to... I miss Kevin because of that... I feel like Dan is going to cry when I break up with him... Why do I have this pit in my stomach like I wish valentines day was with Kevin this year? Dan is talking about going to a sushi place.. And that just doesn't help.. Kevin and I went to sushi last year for valentines day... And that's when I was still happy I think.. And I wish I could go back, but I feel like that wouldn't change anything. I think I'm having that moment of "who am I?" 5 years late... I'm having a college midlife crisis. And I don't care. I am actually feeling a lot better and I'm going to go to bed. I wish I could free myself and just be me for a bit... Maybe I should try to do that once and a while...

I feel this is what I need to do...

I need to write. Wrote out everything I'm feeling. Everything I'm thinking. Right now I am confused... But at the same time understanding? I miss Kevin, of course I miss Kevin. He is my first true love. My only love I have ever even had. But we grew apart. And I'm now excepting that... I guess... I know that me and Kevin could never be truly be happy together in a marriage... I care about him... But it's because of our past. Everything that we did together.. I love him, I loved who we were together... For the first year that we were together, that is... Then after a year and a half it got iffy... Why? Why did it get iffy? Why did I lose our love and connection?!? Kevin said that he would have changed.. Should I have tried??? Because right now I love him... But if I were to text him and talk to him I would understand why I left him...

Then again, I'm with Dan. I hate being with him, most of the time. But he honestly is all about sex.. And weed.. But mostly sex... Why does he do this? Honestly I don't know how much longer I can take of it.. Kevin never made me do anything I didn't want to... I miss Kevin because of that... I feel like Dan is going to cry when I break up with him... Why do I have this pit in my stomach like I wish valentines day was with Kevin this year? Dan is talking about going to a sushi place.. And that just doesn't help.. Kevin and I went to sushi last year for valentines day... And that's when I was still happy I think.. And I wish I could go back, but I feel like that wouldn't change anything. I think I'm having that moment of "who am I?" 5 years late... I'm having a college midlife crisis. And I don't care. I am actually feeling a lot better and I'm going to go to bed. I wish I could free myself and just be me for a bit... Maybe I should try to do that once and a while...

Life

So, I have broken things off with Kevin... And I actually didn't think about him for like a week.. I was doing awesome.. And he snapchated me today... Sad thing is I know that I want to end things with Dan. Maybe not ASAP... But honestly I can see myself after college being ready to be with Kevin for real... And honestly.. That scares me.. I grew out of Kevin and me though. I was never in the Dan stage and I'm actually really wanting to be in the Rory stage... But idk for how much longer I can be with Dan... I'm not sure how this semester is going to work out. But I know that I will make the best of it..

I'm so stupid

Great I have made this 20 time harder than it needed to be... I started second guessing my last post and thought that I wanted Kevin back... And we went to the movies together.. And during it I just thought about how much I messed things up between Kevin and I and started to cry and kept asking what was wrong. And I didn't cry through the whole thing.. But maybe two different times I did.. Then we got back out to the car and he kept asking what happened and he hugged me before we got in the car and I started to cry and he kept asking why and I told him that I messed things up so bad. And I was thinking because I had sex with Dan and that I'm with Dan and the things that I do now.. So, he kept asking what and he kept getting closer.. And the whole time I was just thinking how much I wanted to kiss him... And I did... And then we kept kissing and then I he asked if I would take him back and I said yes, because I'm retarded. And then he asked if I was sure and I said "right now I am." And then he looked hurt and was like "right now?" And he asked why I broke up with him and I said I didn't want a relationship and he said and now you do? And I said no.. And that's why I'm confused.. And then he asked if there was something I needed to tell them so I said no.. But then when we got to my house and I said that I was talking to someone at UT and couldn't break it off until after break, and then I told him that we had had sex so it's up to you if you still want me and he got out of the car walked over to my door and pulled me out and said he still wanted me.. But the more I talk to him and less I hang out with Kevin I remember why I didn't like him anymore.. Then Dan and I really hadn't been talking much.. And we actually facetimed yesterday and I know I don't want to go back with Kevin.. But I know that I'm not staying in my relationship with Dan for too much longer maybe another month or two at most. Then I was facetiming Dan tonight and then he asked what I would consider our anniversary date, and we figured it'd be the 3rd of December and then he was like "check your Facebook" and I knew he posted that we were together on Facebook to make us "Facebook official" and my first reaction was "oh god please undo it" and he was like what?? And then I heard my mom so I hung up. And then he tried calling back but I didn't answer and then I called back... After I knew it wasn't on my page.  And then he was pissed when I called him back and I said I had to leave reall quick and then he didn't say anything and then I said I was going to go to bed.. And before we were mad at each other Kevin asked me if I wanted to talk tonight and I said that after I'm done with this call I'll call him and he said ok... And so when I hung up with Dan I got a call from Kevin and answered it and I was still stressing about Dan being mad at me.. So now I feel bad... But what's horrible is that I don't feel bad about cheating.. And I was never supposed to become that .. But I told Dan before we got together that I didn't want a relationship but he's so fucking touchy people were confused of what we were (because we were only supposed to be fuck buddies). And I still feel like that's all we are. We aren't a real relationship. So, Kevin probably thought I didn't want to talk to him, which isn't entirely false... But I don't know how I'm going to explain this to Dan. That the only person in my family who even knows that you exist is my sister? And that my ex boyfriend may try to comment suicide if he hears that I got into another relationship?? Idk what to do.. I know that I'm a horrible terrible person.. But all Dan and I are to each other are Fuck Buddies, even if we have the name of "boyfriend/girlfriend" titles. We use each other for sex and that's it. We have horrible communication. When we FaceTime and I try to talk he's too busy with his poker. And I at least try to listen to his stories... Idk anymore. I still just want Spencer. And only Spencer. That's what sucks.. I wish Spencer was apart of this complicated equation, and answer would be so simple "pick Spencer and leave everyone else behind" but its not like that at all.. There's no option of having a happy Josee .. Just a sad and lonely one.. But whatever. I made my bed and now I have to lie in it. Oh well. I'll figure it out somehow!

I figured it out!

I figured it all out! 

I'm with Dan, but I don't want to be.

I want to be with Spencer, but I can't be.

I miss being with Kevin, but I wouldn't if I were with Spencer...

But Ryan said that Spencer is jealous of Dan and I? But I don't know in which way he is jealous in...

And I know if I were with Spencer and I didn't screw things up with him... I would be happy right now.. And I miss the things that Spencer and I did together..

So bottom line is : Spencer is who I want and will be the only person to make me happy. And I hate it, because I will never be with him..

A lot has happened...

I am all done with my finals... About three months ago.. Maybe four.. I broke up with Kevin... About a month ago I finally lost my virginity.. To a guy who is now my boyfriend, Dan.
But Dan's and I's relationship is a lot like just being fuck buddy's. Which I like. I don't really like Dan that much.. And he won't stay my boyfriend for very long.. 

I'm back home and I also found out that I got A's in all of my classes, which keeps me to have a 4.0 in college.. Two weeks ago I texted Kevin.. And apologized for being such a bitch to him.. I've been an awful person lately.. And I don't know how I feel about Kevin, but all I know is that I missed him.. A lot.. And I don't know what to do.. I saw him today.. We actually hung out for a little while.. It was actually really nice... But I cried a lot.. In front of him too.. It was awful.. But once I stopped crying, it was really nice to see him... Before we left the restaurant he hugged me.. And I miss him so much.. But I don't understand why.. I tried re reading my blogs from the past and see why I wanted to break up with him.. And sometimes I look at it and think "oh right" but today when he talked about video games it didn't piss me off... It made me so happy... I was so happy to hear him talk about it, because I realized it was one of the things I loved about him.. But I don't know any more.. All last week I thought about Kevin and how if he said he wanted me back what I would do.. But I don't know if I want him back.. I do but I feel like I'm not going to be happy again.. And I've changed so much since then.. I would completely have to change my friends if that happens.. I couldn't smoke any more and I just got two new pieces to smoke out of! I don't know what to do anymore.. And most of all break up with Dan.. Which really wouldn't be awful because that will happen eventually.. Hopefully soon.. But what I think about is if Kevin kisses me.. I want to kiss him so much.. I miss kissing him.. So much... Honestly Dan can't kiss worth crap.. And that maybe a reason why I miss him.. I feel like I threw away such a great relationship.. But I don't know what to do!