So much to say

I know I've been blogging a lot lately and it's because I have so much time to actually think. This weekend I probably told my sister that I loved her over 100 times! I think I just figured out what I miss most about Kevin is that I was able to say "I love you" to someone... I honestly don't think this has anything to do with valentines day. But I miss telling Kevin that I loved him... And I miss saying it!

There were lots of times that I thought about those words when I was with Dan. And this definitely does not mean that I loved Dan. Not for a second would I even consider those results. But... Just some moments were good with Dan... But I didn't like him. I didn't even LIKE him. I mean in one of my earlier blogs when I talked about why I wanted to break up with Kevin is that I said that I didn't want to kiss him anymore. I have no idea what I meant I don't remember wondering about when Kevin and I would stop kissing. I honestly can say there was one day that I enjoyed that was kissing Dan. One. And I was really drunk and I was telling him about my first kisses and how I was an awful kisser before Kevin.. Maybe that's why Kevin means so much to me... He really did love me... For me... He probably would take me back right now. And I don't deserve that.

I'm a terrible person. I'm a terrible person for even considering texting Kevin right now and telling him how much I miss him and wonder how we could have tried to change things.  I'm a horrible horrible person. 

Lately for some reason I have not been cuddling with my usually sleeping penguin at night, Waffles. I have been sleeping with Ed... The one Kevin gave to me for our first Christmas.. I love that penguin... Somehow, in the beggining of the year I remembered that I didn't even want to see him anymore... I was done with Kevin and I didn't want to be reminded of him... But... I have been sleeping with Ed more often... Now I don't know if it's because Waffles is too small to meet my cuddling standards... Or if it's my heart telling me this the closest your ever going to get to being with Kevin... Which is fine.

Honestly, I'll be fine. Maybe I'll text Kevin. And then I'll remember and think "we are at a good place as we are" and then I'll remember what a dick Dan is. 

That's another thing... I blame Dan for our break up. Sure it's my fault that I never really liked the guy. But he's the one who treated me like shit.. At least Kevin, for the most part, didn't treat me like shit. And when it started to happen it was after two years!!! Not two months! And I told Kevin that our break up was my fault not his. At all! And he refuses and still says it's his fault... But it's not... It's true fully mine... I told Dan that it was his fault and he's like "I don't accept that" 

Whatever Dan. Guess what? No one cares! 

I couldn't think that I had much more to say on the topic of Dan and Kevin. But apparently I have a lot to say.

I should add one more... I do kinda wish Kevin and I had sex... There was one day.. And I should have taken it... I shouldn't have cared and knew that there'd be no chance as long as he didn't come inside of me. But I honestly didn't know better. I just wish Kevin and I would of had sex... I honestly believe that would have kept us together.

Or maybe meeting spencer would have made it official and the same thing would have happened. But I just would like to think maybe if we were just a really strong couple no matter who I'd meet... I would always know that Kevin was my love. My life. I wish I could tell him this all now. I wish he could read this blog and see what a birch I am and see how much I love him. And if he were to read this and still think he loved me. I'd know that I had to try to make it work. Because I couldn't just throw away a perfect love like us.

Faithful blog

Yes, that's how I see you as. My trusty faithful blog... Yesterday Dan had texted me asking if I wanted my flowers and I wasn't even on campus I'm so pissed at him... He tried to guilt trip me and it's working... Not to a point where I would go back with him... But it makes me wonder of I did was right. I probably should have waited until after this weekend. But I was sick of him doing that. And by that I mean treating me like shit. I can't wait for next week. I'm going out to a club with Ashli and Lindsay hopefully.. And then I'll forget why I even agreed to date him. Which I don't even really know at this point. So what ever. I don't really care for him what so ever... But this has really, of course made me think of Kevin a lot. And I don't want to think about him... I care about him way too much... I love him... Loved him? No. I know I still love him. But we were meant to move on I just wished that other signs would point that out for me and maybe the club will make me remember that too. I just hope there's some cute guys this time. There needs to be. So, what do I do now? I have to wait and see what will happen... Still not having a second guess about messaging Rory... Which I don't care. I'm happy I'm not thinking about him. I just need a night of fun... And I def won't get that just laying in my bed. 

Maybe I lied

I can see that Kevin may have moved on. But I know in my heart that he would do anything for me. To be with me... If I had the same feeling for him, that's when I would be positively sure that we should be together... I know that if I ever were to try to be with Kevin again in a day I would go back to my normal life and wonder if I made the right choice and that I didn't.. And I'd have to break his heart all over again... I loved Kevin. With all my heart. I know that I did. But I also wasn't happy. For what ever reason, I wasn't. And why would I want to continue being unhappy? Just so I'm not alone? That why I stuck with Dan right? That's why I stayed with Kevin for so long... He had even said he was surprised of how long I stayed with him... I wish that I could just tell him that I love him and always will, and that he will forever be my first true love.. But I can't. Because then he would say : then why aren't we together? And I don't even know if I have an answer for it. All I know is that I am happy I'm single. Or at least away from this thing of Dan.. Ryan started calling us "Dosee" a few months ago... It reminded me of a crush I once had, Michael, he called me Dosee... I hated that name. And now I have more of a reason to hate that name. Now I know that I can't date anyone else with the first name starting of D. Haha

Now Ryan was told by Dan that when we broke up: we were laughing together and then I just got up and said I was done. Like: wtf? Oh well, whatever floats his boat. That little fucker means literally nothing to me. Honestly more heart broken I don't have Kevin right now than him. At least I used to love Kevin's kisses... I always hated Dans. 

Another thing: Ryan asked me if I was talking to Rory. And honestly I don't think I want to. I don't even know what I want right now. Maybe I just want to be able to have fun? I don't even want random hook ups or fuck buddy and definitely not a boyfriend. Maybe once I find a really nice and cute guy. Then I'll try to hook onto him. This weekend will be my recovery weekend. And next weekend will be my fun weekend.

I want it known that I don't have any thought of going back with Dan. At all. The only thought I have is that I'm a bitch for doing it two days before his birthday and a day before valentines day... And now.. What do I have to show for it? Being a bitch. But I will be called a bitch any day over being called Dan's girlfriend. 

Guess what?

I am going to just be me, for a while that is... I think I might go home this weekend... I think I am going to go home and hang out with Brittany. That sounds like a pretty awesome time. I finally broke things off with Dan and maybe it was the worst way possible to do it... But I am still thinking how I could have done things differently with Kevin... Part of the reason was I didn't want to come home a lot.. Would that be so bad though now? I want to be with him but I can't. I can't let myself want that or go back to him. I love him, but we weren't meant to be... I think he has moved on and now I need to too.

I feel this is what I need to do...

I need to write. Wrote out everything I'm feeling. Everything I'm thinking. Right now I am confused... But at the same time understanding? I miss Kevin, of course I miss Kevin. He is my first true love. My only love I have ever even had. But we grew apart. And I'm now excepting that... I guess... I know that me and Kevin could never be truly be happy together in a marriage... I care about him... But it's because of our past. Everything that we did together.. I love him, I loved who we were together... For the first year that we were together, that is... Then after a year and a half it got iffy... Why? Why did it get iffy? Why did I lose our love and connection?!? Kevin said that he would have changed.. Should I have tried??? Because right now I love him... But if I were to text him and talk to him I would understand why I left him...

Then again, I'm with Dan. I hate being with him, most of the time. But he honestly is all about sex.. And weed.. But mostly sex... Why does he do this? Honestly I don't know how much longer I can take of it.. Kevin never made me do anything I didn't want to... I miss Kevin because of that... I feel like Dan is going to cry when I break up with him... Why do I have this pit in my stomach like I wish valentines day was with Kevin this year? Dan is talking about going to a sushi place.. And that just doesn't help.. Kevin and I went to sushi last year for valentines day... And that's when I was still happy I think.. And I wish I could go back, but I feel like that wouldn't change anything. I think I'm having that moment of "who am I?" 5 years late... I'm having a college midlife crisis. And I don't care. I am actually feeling a lot better and I'm going to go to bed. I wish I could free myself and just be me for a bit... Maybe I should try to do that once and a while...

I feel this is what I need to do...

I need to write. Wrote out everything I'm feeling. Everything I'm thinking. Right now I am confused... But at the same time understanding? I miss Kevin, of course I miss Kevin. He is my first true love. My only love I have ever even had. But we grew apart. And I'm now excepting that... I guess... I know that me and Kevin could never be truly be happy together in a marriage... I care about him... But it's because of our past. Everything that we did together.. I love him, I loved who we were together... For the first year that we were together, that is... Then after a year and a half it got iffy... Why? Why did it get iffy? Why did I lose our love and connection?!? Kevin said that he would have changed.. Should I have tried??? Because right now I love him... But if I were to text him and talk to him I would understand why I left him...

Then again, I'm with Dan. I hate being with him, most of the time. But he honestly is all about sex.. And weed.. But mostly sex... Why does he do this? Honestly I don't know how much longer I can take of it.. Kevin never made me do anything I didn't want to... I miss Kevin because of that... I feel like Dan is going to cry when I break up with him... Why do I have this pit in my stomach like I wish valentines day was with Kevin this year? Dan is talking about going to a sushi place.. And that just doesn't help.. Kevin and I went to sushi last year for valentines day... And that's when I was still happy I think.. And I wish I could go back, but I feel like that wouldn't change anything. I think I'm having that moment of "who am I?" 5 years late... I'm having a college midlife crisis. And I don't care. I am actually feeling a lot better and I'm going to go to bed. I wish I could free myself and just be me for a bit... Maybe I should try to do that once and a while...

Life

So, I have broken things off with Kevin... And I actually didn't think about him for like a week.. I was doing awesome.. And he snapchated me today... Sad thing is I know that I want to end things with Dan. Maybe not ASAP... But honestly I can see myself after college being ready to be with Kevin for real... And honestly.. That scares me.. I grew out of Kevin and me though. I was never in the Dan stage and I'm actually really wanting to be in the Rory stage... But idk for how much longer I can be with Dan... I'm not sure how this semester is going to work out. But I know that I will make the best of it..