Damn...

So, I might be a slut... I don't think I am... But I might be. But Saturday night, I had Mark over, because I kind of like Mark... And he just got back from his Spring Break in Myrtle Beach, and we kind of started to talk about having a sleepover... And so, we did. And it was actually really fun.. At first a little awkward, because Callie walked in right after Mark walked in. But she didn't walk in on us while we were doing anything, I mean he just got in the room, and we were just talking at that point. And it was fine, but Callie stayed in there for sooo long... Maybe like over an hour. And it was fine, wasn't that big of a deal, I did steal one kiss while she was there towards the end before she left. And of course after she left, we started to make out... And maybe this is because we had more time to actually fool around this time... But he didn't just automatically take off his clothes, like he practically did the last time I hung out with him... And the thing is, and I hope he didn't mind this, we were talking throughout it... He barely makes any eye contact.. So, at one point in time, I was like "Mark, look at me." and he did, and he was like "What am I looking for?" And awkwardly,  I was just like "Nothing... Just eye contact is more attractive." and then he was like "Oh, I keep forgetting.. I need to work on that." And so it wasn't even me like picking on him, but I do like it when he looks at me, because he's so adorable, and I feel so impersonal when he doesn't look at me. But when he does... I don't know... Makes it more personal... Makes it more real... And the thing is I like Mark... I'm not head over heals. or anything, but I do like him... And it's funny. I know for a fact that he thinks that I am just going to try to push him to have sex... And he think that once he says no so many times, he thinks that I will just stop talking to him, or how Mark and I are saying is "Be done with each other." I don't know... I don't think I will get tired of him, unless Mark starts just being weird... But that won't be because he won't have sex! I am okay with not having sex with him! The funny thing though, is that I think we are both trying to please each other. Because (warning inappropriate about to be said, and may be brought up again throughout this post) he ate me out, which was nice... I don't really get the point of being eaten out quite yet... But the two guys who ate me out, just didn't do much about it, or during it? I don't know. At least Mark stayed down there for a while, and I actually just decided to stop him. and start making out, because I was thinking that it could be his turn, and especially that it didn't do much for me, and the longer he would be down there would be the same time that I should be down there for him. So, I kind of switch are position, so I could make out on top of him, and then make my way down, just as he did. And I got completely on top, and asked him to get in the middle, because I would have fallen if we stay in this position. So, he doesn't move over and like leads me down and was like "Josee, noo..."  and I was just like thinking "What the fuck? Who is this kid? What guy turns down a blow job?? Is he really this much of a virgin??" But I was actually like "But you just..?" and He was like "Hm? What?" and I didn't say anything at first, and then I was just like "Well, normally, if you do that for me... Normally, the favor gets returned..." and he's like "You're not talking about sex..?" and I just started laughing, and I was like "No, I would ask you before I would try to do that!"
And he stopped being so tense, and was like ok, go head, so, when I was positioning myself back on top of him, I was like "I promise, I won't rape you." and he laughed and was like "Don't rape me, Josee!"
So, then I gave him a long blow job, long for me doing it anyways, and then I stopped and we started making out and I resorted to just a hand job. And while making out we were talking, and he was like "You don't want me to come into your mouth, right?" and I said yes, because that shit is gross. And honestly, I kind of thought he wasn't like this... He was a man-whore when he was in middle and high-school. Which I wouldn't really expect from him. But I guess it's true, and he said that he got his first blowjob was from a junior in high-school, while he was in 8th grade! Like holey fuck! I don't know... After he did came, then I got tissues, and we cleaned ourselves up. And started to talk... And the Television was on during the whole time, so we just kind of laid there and cuddled and watched TV, and then talked for a bit.. I mean, we talked a lot.. And kissed in between... And during it he casually brought up if I had ever kissed a girl before, and I have, so I said yes. And I don't care if people know that. My first kiss was with a girl. I don't care, as long as you don't start accusing me of being gay, I could really give two shits about what you think. And I asked him, why he thought to ask that, and he said he likes to see the reaction, and some girls are like "Never!" or other are chill and is like "yeah", like me.
We went to sleep, and we were all cuddly together when we went to sleep... That's honestly the only thing I feel like I miss in a relationship... Is just the cuddling... I miss having someones hand to hold.. And at some point I didn't know if it would be okay if I held his hand... If that was too "serious getting" or whatever. But we did start holding hands... And the thing is, I had a really nice time that night. I honestly don't think "Damn it! Why didn't we fuck??" I honestly didn't...
He calls me "Joseebell" sometimes, because of my username of like everything that I own, like Twitter, Instagram, ect. So, he called me a few time Joseebell, and then he asked me if it was okay, and I actually kind of liked it... And I told him that.. But Joseebell is something my mom calls me... And I don't know... It's comforting if he calls me that... So, at like 3 we woke up and twisted and turned and he was like "Can I use your bathroom?" and I just laughed and said yes, the door was locked, so I helped him unlock it.
The cute thing of this was after he came and we kind of chilled for a bit, he put on his pants, so I asked if I could put on clothes. And of course he said yes. So, I wore a big t-shirt, nothing too special, not a cute shirt, but only covers my ass a little. And then of course I had a thong on while we were messing around so I put on regular panties on, and I luckily grabbed my cheetah print and they are adorable and make my ass spectacular looking. And thank the lord Mark is a guy who likes butts, because that's what I have. My boobs are a nice size and everything, but they are far from big. And he commented multiple times on it and was just like "That ass!" and honestly, of course, I love when he does that.
And Sunday I had to pick up my roommate from the airport, but I don't have a car, so my mom came to pick me up and then head over there. So, Mark knew this, and at like 11:20 he was saying that he should go, and of course I was like "Noo.." But he was saying this for 20 minutes now. And my mom had texted me saying she was on her way... And between my noo's, I was also saying I needed to get ready... And we finally got out of bed and I looked in the mirror and I looked pretty awful. So, I started telling myself, "God, I need to comb my hair, egh do my makeup..." And Mark is like "You don't even need makeup." And he leaves a little later and I get ready really quick, and my mom texted that she was there.. And I ran downstairs, and shes like "So, did you go out last night?" and I told her the truth, No. and she was like "You look... Rough." So, I texted Mark and I sent him the message: "My mom said I looked 'rough', Thank you, Mark."
And something we also talked about was that I didn't think he would be like he was. He though when he saw me that I was this quiet girl, who really didn't go out at all and this was my first time drinking and everything. He thought wrong. And I thought wrong about him. But he gave me reasons to think wrong. I mean after our first night together he was texting me and he said "You're so much fun!" "I'm so glad I met you!" "So, any regrets, or no?" Especially that last one, but I was freaked out and thought that he was going to become clingy and want to be bf/gf. which wasn't the case... Plus he is a virgin, so I really didn't think that he would eat me out, like ever.. But I don't know why... But I just get a good feeling from him.
And I told him this, and kind of made fun of him and was like "Who asks any regrets??" and he was like "Yeah, I guess in our situation it was a bit weird... and worrisome." So, I think our inside joke now is going to be "Any regrets?" which I think is cute.
Saturday night he was also texting this girl, Sarah, and he would never get with her, and I honestly not worried about her and him, because they are friends, and she was in her room, and saying that he should come back, and I was telling him no, and that he wasn't allowed to just leave, and he was saying that he wouldn't, and she'll be fine... And then in the morning, he saw his text messages, at 3 am she texted him saying "Can't wait for your walk of shame!" and he texted back in the morning saying "lol" and she responded "K" and he was like : "she pissed..." and the last time Mark and I hung out she asked him if he would want to get lunch, and he said, no hanging out with Josee... So, yeah... Sarah and I are friends though! We are, she likes me as a person, I like her as a person.
So, last night Lindsay texted me asking if I wanted to come and drink at the guys house that we have been to twice now. (well three times now) and I said sure, if Ashli can go, and she said of course to Ashli coming. So, I went to her room and then we went back to mine, because I was helping her apply to HOST. And then we were waiting for Sarah to come back with Lindsay's car. And we waited for a while then we finally go down to meet Sarah and when she pulled up, she was happy to see me, then pissed. And she started yelling, jokingly of course, but yelling at me saying how she was in Marks room alone watching TV all night, waiting for him to come back. And I told her that we had those plans for a couple days... And then when she realized that we are going over to Josh's and Erik's apartment, she was like: HER EXACT WORDS: "No one go for Erik! He's mine! Well, you can go for him, I'll just have him next."
Yeah... So we get to their apartment and start drinking immediately. and then we played Kings. It was a lot of fun. And then I wanted to sit on the couch when we were done playing so I asked Erik if I could sit next to him. And I'm not sure if I said this in a later post, about how Erik was saying that I was adorable and so polite when I talk. And I did ask him in this way: "May I sit here?" and He was like "Yes, that's so cute, may I? Aww.." Or whatever it was he said was along those lines. That was me making my effort of getting with him. Sitting next to him, he should be able to figure out the rest, right? No it took him about all night... But we switched places on the couch, and I ended up on the other end and Ashli at one point was siting next to me, then there was a spot empty next to me, so Erik came and sat next to me, and we started talking, I'm not sure about all the details, because I was a little tipsy, but he asked for my phone to put on a song on youtube, then asked if I knew this one guy, who he brought up on youtube as well, and he pulled it up, and this guy comes up to girls and says: "Can I ask you three questions? Do you have a boyfriend? Do you find me attractive? What would be your excuse right now not to kiss me?" and he was getting somewhere with it. And the video was still going and he stopped talking about it... He was starting to let it go, so I brought it up again, and was like "haha so are you like him?" and he just repeats what the guys lines are and he said "So, what would your excuse be, for not kissing me?" and I said there would be one, and he was like "No?" and kissed me, and we sat there and made out for maybe 5 minutes, and I heard Lindsay taking pictures, and Just how everyone was like "Oooh..." And then we stopped kissing, and Lindsay of course was in his room. And he was like "Should we get them out of my room?" and he went got her out and actually pretty smoothly got me to stand up and go into his room, and l at the door, and then he got her out and locked the door... And... Yeah... He said I was a good kisser, and that I felt good... So... That's practically all I really need to say... I think that was the first time that I didn't just like give up during it and say that I was tired. Although I really didn't get tired out... After we were done we laid there for a good two minutes with Lindsay pounding on the door for something. And then we finally got dressed and walked out. And the funniest thing about it was when they both, like Ashli and Lindsay, were just like "What did you do??" But I don't think I answered them really... Then Lindsay was getting out of hand and I was practically sobered up. And Erik said if we ended up staying that we could do round two, but I said we were probably going to go home. He patted my head and went to his room. I asked Lindsay if she was ready, and then he headed out... We got in the car and drove home, Lindsay texted me after we got in our rooms and said she saw Sarah and was asking questions, and I found out today that Lindsay is a bad liar so she told Sarah. Which is whatever... As long as Sarah doesn't kill me...
Erik texted me this morning saying that I looked upset about something last night before I left and was wondering if I was okay.. I wasn't upset last night to my knowledge. If I was, then it would be like at Lindsay. And I just texted him back: "Nothing is wrong?" And then he texted: "Oh, Dustin said you left upset about something. I was just checking." I thought that was nice... I would think that girls, I can't say about guys, but girls, if they see that's there's something wrong, and they say something they just kind of panic more than anything else... So, I just replied to him and told him I was fine, but thanks for checking.

And tonight we are going to a club, 912, and Erik then asked me if I was going. And I told him we were planning on it. and asked if he was, and now they are saying that they might be, because of their group vote and I asked him what side he was on, and he said he didn't care and that he'd just rather stay home and get drunk, and that it is too expensive to go out.
Honestly, I rather them not go. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do. I'm not sure...

Figuring it out

All I want right now is to be home. Now you may think "what a dork,

She wants to go home and cry to her mommy and daddy." No. I am actually at my parents house right now. And all I want to to go back to my dorm, which is home, for me... My grandparents are here and with all four forces making me go insane... I want to leave. As soon as possible. I believe I have dealt with this for way too long! 

I just want to go to school, and have a nice night with Mark... Yeah.. I've talked to Mark, and my cute little date will kinda play out... Idk what technically we are going to do. But be lazy together might be one of them... Maybe we won't even go to my room! Maybe just stay in his. The only reason that I would want to do mine is because no one will be there... But idk.. We will see... 

I just want to get to school already... 

Help me 

Well... Back at this Again, are we?

GREAT. So, if I am correct, the last time I posted, I had the best sex of my life with John. Which is very true...
Well, John and I are only awkward to each other  now... And so that fuck buddies in the gutter...
Kinda about to start another fuck buddy relationship... But this one probably won't run away, because he's not out of my league like John was... And that means that John is way too hot for a girl like me... So, I should just be happy I got with him the two times that I did... This other guy, Justin, he's questionable... I don't know. I smoked my first dab... and yea... then I had sex with him... and I honestly hated it... Hated having sex with him. But it was more of a comfort thing than anything else.
So, yeah...
Then, that same weekend John and I had hooked up, I hooked up with a guy named Mark. Now we didn't have sex or anything, Mark is actually a virgin. And at first I was a little worried about Mark getting too attached to me... But that's not the case... Actually my friend Lindsay have fucking dinner with him the other night and he said that he likes some other girl more than me... And it's because he hasn't gotten with her, so she the "hard to get girl" or whatever "the challenge"... So, I was actually just getting really fond of Mark...
I actually thought of a cute little thing for Friday night... Because one of my roommates she is going to Maine, well she left for Maine, today. And then my other roommate is normally not there for weekends. So, I thought I could invite Mark to stay for Friday night... And maybe we could go and smoke together and then come back, and I have coco puffs... and he likes coco puffs... so I thought we could munch on those while we cuddle... And I honestly don't even WANT to have sex with him...Not this soon, not really... I kind of like that we are not having sex... It's a nice change...
He told Lindsay that he thought that I am going to end up to keep asking him for sex, and then eventually give up and move on... But the thing is, Tuesday afternoon he invited me over to hang out when everyone was in class. And of course we were making out and stuff.. but he removed his own fucking clothes!!! I was completely dressed still when he only had on his boxers!!! The only thing that came off of me was my shirt, and he did that too!! I just don't understand... And then Monday he texted me saying that he wish I was in bed with him... I don't know... Guys say that girls are confusing. I beg to differ. I think guys are confusing!! He started to snapping me tonight... and he even started out with "Joseeeee" so it's not like he sent this snap to anyone else!!! Sure, he may have been snapping someone else... But still... I don't know... I told him to go to bed, and he said he wanted to talk to me... And I mean, he likes me... But he likes this other girl more... And I want to prove him wrong! I want him to fucking beg for sex and me still not have sex with him!
But I guess, in order to do that, I would have to keep on trying... And I have just been wondering if I should even try or not... And I am, I already know... But I was even starting to think tonight that I could do this of no Mark thing.. Then he snapped me -.- I don't even know why I like him!!! He's so weird!! But he's adorable... Adorably weird, maybe?? But I don't know... I just like something about him... Maybe I like him because he likes someone else. Who fucking knows. But I will not give up this fight... I am going back on campus Sunday... And maybe I'll see him. Maybe I'll see Justin. I don't know. But the reason that I want to go fuck Justin again, is because after John and I, I was over everyone I had ever liked. Not that I started to like John. Which is weird... But I just liked not liking anyone. Which lasted about a week and a half -.-
Oh well... Now to normal life. I am back home.... I have a new puppy! He's not as cute as my other dog... But he's growing on me... And he's sleeping right next to me, and it's pretty freaking adorable. And then I hear that my father not only wants a new puppy but a baby. He wants to adopt a baby boy. What the FUCK is he thinking?!?!?!? He didn't even raise Haley and I!! I don't think he could even raise a human being! But he always wanted a baby boy. I really hope that my mother doesn't give in to this crazy shit. These are his midlife crisis: Motorcycle, puppy, now a baby. 0.0 What would I do if they had a baby? Yeah... That poor baby will know nothing about me. Other than I left that house when he was 4 and never came back.
I don't know really what else to say... I mean I met a guy off a Tinder...and he was just super short... But I actually really liked this guy. But that's way too late... he is soooo much shorter than me. It sucks... Now I am texting Kevin, because Kevin had lunch with me Tuesday... And I think it was nice to see him... At least for the first part... I know Kevin still loves me... And maybe a part of me loves him still. But I don't feel it anymore...
I don't feel any different loosing my virginity. It wasn't that big of a deal... And maybe I just think too much into these things... But maybe I shouldn't see Mark this week... Maybe he will end up liking me more. Or end up liking me less. I don't know. But all I know is that I do want to end up winning. And not with a broken heart... Again. So, hopefully this will go well.

Finally Free

I am free.

So, the 11th of February I broke up with Dan. Two days before his birthday. Three days before Valentines Day.

I know you already know this part of the story. However, as the story goes on, throughout my blog, some details of my sex life does come up. If you are uncomfortable, please don't read it, or stop reading when it gets to that point. Good luck.

Dan texted me yesterday. Saying: "I;m sorry things got so messed up between us. I miss you."

And to that I said: Nothing. I decided not to give in an text him. The thing was, I was going to text him back. Be like "What are you hoping to achieve out of this? I know you miss the sex, but I don't care." Honestly, I am so happy that I didn't respond. I don't know what he's thinking. I don't care.

Last night though... We went out to a club. We meaning: Ashli, my new friend Lindsay, and some of her friends. We honestly waited forever to get alcohol from my other roommate. Then we quickly did shots and took a water bottle on the go. 

I went up to two different guys, practically got rejected by both of them. Well, kind of. The first guy was like "I don't dance." So I asked him if he kisses. And he kissed me and he like "That enough?" And I smiled and said no, so we started to kiss again. Then some bitch comes up and is like "No, no, no. Sorry he's hooking up with our friend, so it's not okay." Then between that and the second guy I asked to dance with, I saw my ghost. Spencer. Honestly thought I was over him. And maybe I am. I thought I was, because yesterday I thought about it and thought if he came up to me and tried to kiss me, I would back away, and just look at him like he's crazy. But when I saw him at the club, I was kind of hoping that he would ask me to dance. I mean we danced in the circle, and honestly I tried to find another guy as soon as I saw Spencer. So, there was another guy that I saw. So, I went up and he actually said yes. And he started dancing, and then his friend, or brother from his frat came up and then he was like "I'll be right back stay here." And kissed me on the cheek. And his friend even tried to start dancing with me, and I declined. And went back to my group. Then Ashli found Kosta's, an international student. And they started dancing, and they stopped and eventually again. Between that I was going to a certain spot on the dance floor and bumped into a cute guy. And I was hoping he'd ask to dance, and he tried to let us go first, but we were where we wanted to be. And then he vanished. And then Ashli and Kosta's started to dance, and Kosta's friend, John, was there and talking to a worker or something and Ashli has said before that she thought he was hot, which he really is. 

So, I asked her if it was okay if I were to dance with him, and she said sure. So, I asked, and he said yes. 

Honestly I knew who John was from a party we both went to a couple weeks back. However, I asked him for his name anyhow. I knew some details about him. Nothing too major.So, once we started dancing, the cute guy who ran into me and vanished came back from thin air, and started dancing in front of me, while I had John behind me. That was weird, and I politely said "sorry no"  So, he left, and John and I started dancing, and then we started to make out. And my god. I wouldn't say that he was an awful kisser, he just had a lot of control, and a different way of kissing than I'm used to... But I've been kissing the worst kisser ever for the past two months, so I was down for a hot guy to kiss. And we were talking while dancing, like where we live and stuff like that. He asked if I wanted to leave soon, and I told him that we'll see, then I asked Ashli if I could go with him, because he lived off campus. And honestly, I would never do this with a guy I just met. But he's part of the group I want to be part of. So, not that big of a deal. We had simple talk for a bit while in the cab and when we first got to his place. Nice little apartment. And went to his room and started to get busy.

The funny thing though is that he said as we came into the room that he was so tired. and it's probably 1:45 a.m. at this point. But we did start to get busy. He took of my shirt and bra, then his shirt came off. Then his phone started to ring, while trying to take off my difficult pants. I asked if he wanted to get the phone and he said it was no one important, and he knew who it was, but he did get up. He checked the phone then went to his little dresser to grab a condom, after I had gotten undressed, and he did the same. Came back and finished what we started. I'm not sure how long we lasted, but he slipped out and then we tried to slid it back it, however I think we was going soft at that point, and he had told me that he had came, if I had. So we laid down for a bit, and I asked him if he wanted to clean up, and he said yes, and did so.

Came back and actually was saying how tired he was, but then went back to making out with me. He came down and ate me out... Which was fine. Right at this point, I didn't get the complete thrill of getting eaten out for the first time. I guess it was nice. But when Kevin first fingered me all I could think was "stop". So, maybe next time will be better. It's crazy, I didn't even think that he would have done that, and when we went for a second time around and it wasn't working, because I was really dry. Thank god no one ever reads this. So, I asked him if I could try something, and I gave him a blowjob, which is actually so much fucking easier to do with a condom!!! Just saying! And then he it got to the point where we were getting tired, and he didn't think that he would be able to come again. And we relaxed for a bit, and he had again cleaned up. And it was actually really nice just snuggling with him and he has his hands all up and down my body... And then he started to kiss me again, and he was like "Gosh we're animals tonight." And I'm not sure if I was even egging it on. But I was happy with what we were doing. However, I did ask him if he wanted to go to sleep, and he said he couldn't with me next to him. After some more fooling around, I don't really think we tried having sex again at that point, we had settled down, again. and maybe ten minutes after we were just talking. And he's actually really nice to talk to. Now, I wouldn't say that I like him, at least as a crush, at this point or anything, which I hope I don't ever, because he doesn't want a relationship. And neither do I really, but I would like someone to fool around with, and if he's hot, all the better. And back to the ten minutes of talking, I went and grabbed for his balls and started to message them? Play with them? I'm not sure how you would correctly term that. But that what I did, and he did enjoy it. And I'm not sure why guys do this, but sometimes, when a girl, at least me, starts giving you a blow job, or rubbing your balls, you can just lay there and enjoy it, you don't have to worry about me. But he did, but I did say that I was fine, and just working with you right now. Then he asked me if I could give him a hand job while playing with his balls, and I did manage to do this... In a way.

Really quick: you know how people say it impossible to rub your belly and tap your head? Rubbing the balls while giving a hand job is actually a lot like this. In the hard aspect of it, no pun intended. ;p

So, he thought if I did this, it would help him come, and he was saying throughout the second round, that it would be so much easier to go to sleep if he just comes again. During this, I gave him blow jobs, and did intervals of the two. (Hand and blow jobs, that its, while still holding the balls.) And I did ask him not to come into my mouth, and he said he would never and think it's disrespectful. Which is such a relief to hear.

And I'm not sure if I said this before, but I am never swallowing ever again. And if you're a girl, never swallow. Ever. It's awful. 

And he did explode, and it went everywhere, and I told him that he was a little messy, in a cute funny way. And he said sorry and that I should just wipe it on the sheets. However we were going to sleep in those sheets, so I'm not sure why he would want that. But I had gotten up and went to the restroom to clean off, because some got into my hair.

We talked some more while falling asleep, and I had said something about being a fuck buddy and he had said that would be nice, in so many words. It was funny though because throughout the night he had said he needs to get lube, for these situation of the dry spots, and that the condoms should be more lubricated, and just soaked. And when this fuck buddy business had came up, he was like "I'm getting Lube tomorrow!" and I laughed. And honestly, I don't regret it at all. Ashli didn't like her one night stand type deal, but that was different, because he was a complete stranger, mines not. Not really at least.

And I just hope that he does decide to text me, when he wants to get together again. It would be really nice...

When we woke up in the morning, maybe with only a couple hours of sleep, we started again, and my goodness it hurt, but in the best way possible, and i was on top, then we switched to doggie, and it felt so good... I nearly collapsed when we were done.

I always saw in the movies, like people right after they have sex, and they are breathing hard, and I never understood it. But I had that experience last night. And it was amazing... And his kissing did improve in the morning. However, my lips still kind of hurt from him biting them so hard last night.

But I believe that he is a gentlemen, around noon he had to go back to campus, and honestly I wanted to go back. So, he had a car and we walked down, and his car wasn't there, and he remembered, that he had left it on campus. His first thing saying was "It's like a 10 minute walk, and we could wait for a cab, but..." and I butted in and said I was fine with walking, because I was. Honestly wasn't that big of a deal. At the end of our walk of shame and me in my club attire walking down a busy road for 10 or 15 minutes, he asked me for my number, which I hope he will use.

Before I end my story, I would like to bring up a few things that he had mentioned. First, he said that my legs were really smooth, and asked if I shaved, and honestly I did, and thank god I did. But he said "some girls just have prickles, but no, not you." and told me how much of a turn off it is. He started rubbing my stomach at one point and asked if I worked out, which is a no, I do not workout. I told him that I do yoga. But it's not like that should keep me skinny. He had called me sexy, many times. Which isn't a compliment I normally get, so that was kind of surprising. 

So, there you go. My story of the night. of which I'm so happy I didn't text Dan back. I got rejected by two guys, but then found out the 3rd one is the charm. And honestly I had such a great night.

So much to say

I know I've been blogging a lot lately and it's because I have so much time to actually think. This weekend I probably told my sister that I loved her over 100 times! I think I just figured out what I miss most about Kevin is that I was able to say "I love you" to someone... I honestly don't think this has anything to do with valentines day. But I miss telling Kevin that I loved him... And I miss saying it!

There were lots of times that I thought about those words when I was with Dan. And this definitely does not mean that I loved Dan. Not for a second would I even consider those results. But... Just some moments were good with Dan... But I didn't like him. I didn't even LIKE him. I mean in one of my earlier blogs when I talked about why I wanted to break up with Kevin is that I said that I didn't want to kiss him anymore. I have no idea what I meant I don't remember wondering about when Kevin and I would stop kissing. I honestly can say there was one day that I enjoyed that was kissing Dan. One. And I was really drunk and I was telling him about my first kisses and how I was an awful kisser before Kevin.. Maybe that's why Kevin means so much to me... He really did love me... For me... He probably would take me back right now. And I don't deserve that.

I'm a terrible person. I'm a terrible person for even considering texting Kevin right now and telling him how much I miss him and wonder how we could have tried to change things.  I'm a horrible horrible person. 

Lately for some reason I have not been cuddling with my usually sleeping penguin at night, Waffles. I have been sleeping with Ed... The one Kevin gave to me for our first Christmas.. I love that penguin... Somehow, in the beggining of the year I remembered that I didn't even want to see him anymore... I was done with Kevin and I didn't want to be reminded of him... But... I have been sleeping with Ed more often... Now I don't know if it's because Waffles is too small to meet my cuddling standards... Or if it's my heart telling me this the closest your ever going to get to being with Kevin... Which is fine.

Honestly, I'll be fine. Maybe I'll text Kevin. And then I'll remember and think "we are at a good place as we are" and then I'll remember what a dick Dan is. 

That's another thing... I blame Dan for our break up. Sure it's my fault that I never really liked the guy. But he's the one who treated me like shit.. At least Kevin, for the most part, didn't treat me like shit. And when it started to happen it was after two years!!! Not two months! And I told Kevin that our break up was my fault not his. At all! And he refuses and still says it's his fault... But it's not... It's true fully mine... I told Dan that it was his fault and he's like "I don't accept that" 

Whatever Dan. Guess what? No one cares! 

I couldn't think that I had much more to say on the topic of Dan and Kevin. But apparently I have a lot to say.

I should add one more... I do kinda wish Kevin and I had sex... There was one day.. And I should have taken it... I shouldn't have cared and knew that there'd be no chance as long as he didn't come inside of me. But I honestly didn't know better. I just wish Kevin and I would of had sex... I honestly believe that would have kept us together.

Or maybe meeting spencer would have made it official and the same thing would have happened. But I just would like to think maybe if we were just a really strong couple no matter who I'd meet... I would always know that Kevin was my love. My life. I wish I could tell him this all now. I wish he could read this blog and see what a birch I am and see how much I love him. And if he were to read this and still think he loved me. I'd know that I had to try to make it work. Because I couldn't just throw away a perfect love like us.

Faithful blog

Yes, that's how I see you as. My trusty faithful blog... Yesterday Dan had texted me asking if I wanted my flowers and I wasn't even on campus I'm so pissed at him... He tried to guilt trip me and it's working... Not to a point where I would go back with him... But it makes me wonder of I did was right. I probably should have waited until after this weekend. But I was sick of him doing that. And by that I mean treating me like shit. I can't wait for next week. I'm going out to a club with Ashli and Lindsay hopefully.. And then I'll forget why I even agreed to date him. Which I don't even really know at this point. So what ever. I don't really care for him what so ever... But this has really, of course made me think of Kevin a lot. And I don't want to think about him... I care about him way too much... I love him... Loved him? No. I know I still love him. But we were meant to move on I just wished that other signs would point that out for me and maybe the club will make me remember that too. I just hope there's some cute guys this time. There needs to be. So, what do I do now? I have to wait and see what will happen... Still not having a second guess about messaging Rory... Which I don't care. I'm happy I'm not thinking about him. I just need a night of fun... And I def won't get that just laying in my bed. 

Maybe I lied

I can see that Kevin may have moved on. But I know in my heart that he would do anything for me. To be with me... If I had the same feeling for him, that's when I would be positively sure that we should be together... I know that if I ever were to try to be with Kevin again in a day I would go back to my normal life and wonder if I made the right choice and that I didn't.. And I'd have to break his heart all over again... I loved Kevin. With all my heart. I know that I did. But I also wasn't happy. For what ever reason, I wasn't. And why would I want to continue being unhappy? Just so I'm not alone? That why I stuck with Dan right? That's why I stayed with Kevin for so long... He had even said he was surprised of how long I stayed with him... I wish that I could just tell him that I love him and always will, and that he will forever be my first true love.. But I can't. Because then he would say : then why aren't we together? And I don't even know if I have an answer for it. All I know is that I am happy I'm single. Or at least away from this thing of Dan.. Ryan started calling us "Dosee" a few months ago... It reminded me of a crush I once had, Michael, he called me Dosee... I hated that name. And now I have more of a reason to hate that name. Now I know that I can't date anyone else with the first name starting of D. Haha

Now Ryan was told by Dan that when we broke up: we were laughing together and then I just got up and said I was done. Like: wtf? Oh well, whatever floats his boat. That little fucker means literally nothing to me. Honestly more heart broken I don't have Kevin right now than him. At least I used to love Kevin's kisses... I always hated Dans. 

Another thing: Ryan asked me if I was talking to Rory. And honestly I don't think I want to. I don't even know what I want right now. Maybe I just want to be able to have fun? I don't even want random hook ups or fuck buddy and definitely not a boyfriend. Maybe once I find a really nice and cute guy. Then I'll try to hook onto him. This weekend will be my recovery weekend. And next weekend will be my fun weekend.

I want it known that I don't have any thought of going back with Dan. At all. The only thought I have is that I'm a bitch for doing it two days before his birthday and a day before valentines day... And now.. What do I have to show for it? Being a bitch. But I will be called a bitch any day over being called Dan's girlfriend.