I thought I knew exactly what I wanted... I thought that maybe what I really wanted was to date Erik... And now I am just rethinking everything... And it's probably because of him.. Yesterday when he came and got me we were just talking about stuff, and relationships I guess got brought up somehow... And We were talking about Lindsay and whatever. And he was like "Aren't relationships like overrated in college anyways?" And maybe he didn't say it in these exact words, but they were in the exact content...
And maybe I am thinking I don't want a relationship, because I like having my options open.
And maybe I am thinking that I don't want a relationship with him, because he is a smoker... I mean, it really doesn't bother me, it does... But I could deal with it, you know? And we were on our way to Steak N' Shake, and he started to cough, and I jokingly said "Smokers Cough" and he was like "Shut up... You know, you're right." And picked up his pack of cigarettes and threw them out the window. Just like that. And I was like "What the fuck, just happened?" and then I thought "Oh, the box was empty" And he swore it was practically a full box... I just don't know if he is serious or not about quitting... I mean it wasn't his normal cigarettes either, so he could have just thought "Well, I don't like these that much anyways."
I don't know what to think, honestly...
Then before we went to Steak N' Shake, I guess Caitlin texted him. I just want to be like "What the fuck?" but he swears that he even regrets that he banged her... So, I mean I honestly believe him. Honestly, this whole Caitlin and him happening is a good thing, because I think it's just hilarious, because he regret fucking her.. We were talking last night, and he said "So, you know Caitlin and I fucked?" because I was talking like I knew, and I guess he didn't think I knew, and he just thought maybe that she wouldn't brag about sleeping with him, or something. I don't know, but he said they fucked for like 10 minutes, and he was drunk as fuck,
and I think he kicked her out and was like "I need to have the bed to myself" And then said to me "At least I let you sleep in the bed with me" And I don't know why, but it just makes me feel better how he is different with me than other girls... I am not expecting a miracle or anything, but I guess you could say I just have high hopes... And the next morning he was regretting it, because Josh the next morning was like "Dude, you banged the fat chick!" and Erik was just embarrassed. But I don't know. I just have like an boost of spirit, which sounds awful, but I can look at Caitlin now, and be happy with myself, and glad that they banged, because it just makes me realize that I am actually good enough to have a relationship with. Why should I think any other way. And then also, making sure that it is like so causal will make it even better. If he gets jealous, and we talk about it, and he wants to be exclusive, or he continues and I still get to be single and happy, and either way, in my opinion, it's a win-win situation.
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